The sad piano waltz was playing in the background. The somber tones dominated the dimly-lit room, illuminated by a flickering LED light. The alternation of the gleam represented the gloom that was growing within me over the past few months.
I was just glaring blankly to the pieces of paper resting in front of me at my desk. Written on them were scribbles, purely rubbish, as if they were mere tantrums of an exhausted writer.
I just held my pen for hours and hours, pleading it to find its harmonious jive again as it once skipped and tip-toed as it wrote words upon words describing the vividness of life. However, all of pleas were all for naught, as I could no longer recall what I have once sought.
Having lost track of it, restlessness became my frequent visitor. Anxiety blurred the my optimism for the future. The present situation was just tiring. The more I tried to be honest, committed, and loving, the more the person that I cherish to reflect upon themselves and their shortcomings. It always ended up with that person leaving me. Will I still wait?
With the future and the present out of the option, I retreated into reminiscing the past. Laying out the past really showed how fate has been teasingly cruel to me. Sometimes, I, along with my friends who got to witness it, just laughed it all out as the timing of the instances were somehow comedic. Those happenstances.
That Damned Drawn Question
August 2016. I just presented on behalf of the Structural Engineering Group of UP ICE. I find it the right time to pay a visit to that girl of the “Missing You” series. Her org was selling their zines that time, so I went to their stall to buy one.
However, the zines were, at that time, out of stock, so I just started to walk away when she stopped and offered to play a little game instead.
That game was answering the questions being drawn from a cup. The questions were fairly standard trivia questions like “What is the first published Filipino book?” and etc. Then came the final question:
“Bakit hindi ka crush ng crush mo? [Why is your crush not crushing on you?]”
The fact that it was her, my crush back then, who asked that question was coincidentally and hilariously daunting in itself.
I just wanted to retort by answering her question with another question that time:
“Bakit hindi nga ba? [Why is it indeed?]”
An Unexpected View During The Review
October 2017. One of my close friends [Jerome Tadiosa] and I decided to hangout on McDonalds after having crossed paths with him after our MS classes. I was at that time preparing for my exam on steel design.
Our conversation was like the typical for both of us, full of high-IQ jokes, innuendos, and deep philosophical discussions. And that conversation being the typical, the conversation segued into him asking about the status of my one-sided love to that girl in the “Missing You” series, having lasted for about 2 years that time.
As I began making a joke of telling that she might be holding somebody’s hands while walking right at that moment, some view out of the window stopped me on my tracks. My friend curiously looked to where my eyes have been looking to.
It was her, indeed, holding hands with a guy while walking. My friends burst out of laughter as I slammed my wallet onto the table in frustration on why fate seemingly was making fun of me.
I woke up in the next morning just dazed and blank. I lost track of what I’ve reviewed. Eventually, I flunked my exam, which led to my scholarship being nearly jeopardized. My mentor, who happened to be my professor on that class, often gave me a ride home, since our houses were just near from each other. That time, knowing that I fared poorly in that exam, I apologized to him for being a disappointment.
Like Betelgeuse, springing out when being talked about
March 2019. I met with one of my close friends [Akira Morita]. Our history was a bit vivifying as he was used to be the crush of that girl from the “Missing You” series. Her knowing that I was his close friend all these times led to our fall-out on June 2017.
His mom has made lots of leche flan and he wanted to share some to me. After catching up with him, we decided to make a commute to our respective colleges through the UP Ikot jeep. And just like the typical, our conversation centered upon that girl.
Midway in our conversation, when we were both deep in the topic about that girl, the jeepney made a stop at the Ylanan Rd jeepney stop. And to my horror, and much to my friend’s delight, it was that girl who boarded that jeep. An awkward silence ensued as she zoomed past us.
My friend was holding back his laughter as he found hilarity on seeing how my eyes were following her. To make matters worse, she sat beside my friend who happened to sit in front of me.
Desperate to dispel the awkwardness, we scrambled upon making a natural conversation about the Academe and the Navier-Stokes Equations. By the time she alighted at Centennial Residence Hall, my friend was laughing out of bewilderment. He then remarked that that happenstance was seemingly out of the book. He just used to hear those stories from me. Now, he’s seeing it unfold for himself.
Only to Realize There’s None
October 2019. The girl whom I’ve loved the most has just ghosted me (See: Travelogue). That time I really saw who my real friends were. They all supported me and helped me cope up with the loss. Surprisingly, one of those real friends was that girl from the “Missing You” series.
We all decided to hang out on a sports bar that I frequented in (for billiards). My friend [Lhines Palmes] went at an earlier time. He inquired about how I felt that time after the girl whom I’ve loved the most left. The recollection led me into near tears.
Then came that girl from the “Missing You” series along with my close friend [Akira], Lhines was thrilled to have finally seen that girl in person (I told him about him a long ago).
Then came another close friend of mine [Pamela Reyes] and her boyfriend [Ronn Albeus] who was also my friend. She was the one mostly thrilled to see that girl herself. She went to have a curious conversation with her as I and Ronn played billiards.
I was a bit down even though Pam was joyfully steering the conversation, almost making the slip up about the happenstance on the “Like Betelgeuse…” part in from of her.
That night, even though it was seemingly joyous, has brought us all to some deep contemplation, each with different reasons. Maybe, that’s why all of us flocked in the same place.
Mine was a little bit different that time. I was hoping that somehow, I could light up the flame again, to again remind myself of that girl from the “Missing You” series, the girl whom I’ve loved the most was jealous all the time, in order to bail myself out of the misery. However, it was all in vain.
That time, I dearly wanted to tell the girl whom I’ve loved the most that I have no feelings anymore to that girl from the “Missing You” series. A little bit late to Telle, I guess.
November 2019. I was invited by the girl from the Missing You series to go to the lugawan [rice porridge stall] at Village A. It was a famous lugawan as people flocked to the place, lining up just to get a taste of that rice porridge.
While waiting for our turn to have our ordered items served, we went around UP with her onboard my Japanese bicycle, as we had what we both admitted as a deep conversation. She talked a bit about her ex whom she broke up with recently. And I talked a lot about mine.
She then made a joke on how we were incompatible with her being a Scorpio and I being a Gemini.
After we had our fill on the rice porridge, she was scrambling to go to Cubao to see her friend/mentor. I offered to give her a lift.
And there we were, onboard my Japanese bike on the way to Cubao. As I pedaled across the road, I opened more to her that the roads were once a familiar sight, full of memories, as I often gave that girl whom I loved the most a lift to her place in Cubao.
We then zoomed past to her(the girl whom I loved the most) place (boarding house). She (the girl from the “Missing You” series) was jokingly telling me to stop my bike so that she can make clanking noise in front of the place.
It’s been 5 years since we knew each other. And despite what was detailed in most of my write-ups, we never had a photo together.
So that girl from the “Missing You” series, the girl that the girl whom I’ve loved the most was jealous to, and I decided to pose for a photo in front of her (the girl whom I’ve loved the most) workplace in Gateway.
I felt everything fell into place as I found some inner peace that time.
December 2019. Gateway was a place of memories. Every time that I went there, flashes of joy and sadness sprang out to remind me that she’s gone, the girl whom I’ve loved the most.
Our research team was at that time, embarking upon the journey to survey the areas affected by Typhoon Tisoy (Kammuri). Unfortunately for me, the journey started at the Isarog Bus station in Cubao. My colleagues cannot help but notice the sadness in my face when the Grab car that we’re on went past both her place and her workplace (Gateway).
We boarded the bus. And the journey seemed to be going well until it suffered mechanical problems when in Ortigas. It had to be towed back to its repair station near 15th avenue in Cubao. There were no bus to serve as the back-up, so we had to wait for it to be repair.
As I went to the convenience store to fetch some beverages, there I was, looking at Gateway from afar, longing for her again.
Her First Boyfriend
February 2020. I regularly go to my best friend’s place in the weekends. This time however, things were bit different. With the Katipunan, Anonas and Santolan station being out of operation for the coming months, instead on the Katipunan station, I fetch him now at the Cubao Station before going together to Taytay.
Reading my earlier write-ups, especially the “Missing You” series, one would find out that he was that girl’s upperclassman in high school. He shared a bit of history about her back then that she too was ghosted by a friend of his.
And just like the typical, our conversation regularly segued into talking about that girl. However, another happenstance led me to clamming up again.
Also falling in line for the jeepney was that friend of his. He rarely shows up to our basketball games. So, it was actually my first time seeing him in person. My best friend felt bewildered by the string of coincidences, as he got to witness most of them.
I just quipped on his rare appearance with this:
“He ghosted her for basketball, then why isn’t he appearing in our basketball games.”
Maybe that guy heard. And on the next day, he joined us in our game.
Flair in UP Fair
The UP Diliman Fair is what it is: a fair (Perya). The last time that I went to UP Fair was in 2011. The UP Fair back then was different. It truly represented what UP was: a showcase of advocacy, diversity, and passion for music. Nowadays, it’s more of revenues being generated from the mouth-watering band line-ups.
I decided to give it a go this year. However, the person whom I was inviting with, the girl from the “Missing You” series, was making excuses just to turn down my invitation in a nice way. But I knew that she could not resist Mimiyuh.
Last night. My eyes were swollen, having made a computer code for structural analysis. However, I had a match, a money game at billiards, after work. Unsurprisingly, my eyes didn’t coordinate as I lost the match 5-10.
I was a little bit disappointed on the timing that my eyes were swollen. To further rub that disappointment, as I biked my way home, I happened to cross path with that girl from the “Missing You” series, holding hands with presumably her ex.
Damn. My eyes should have stayed shut that night.