Ah. It’s been seven years since I first met you. Back then, I was nicknamed on our dorm as “Ippo” referring to Makunouchi Ippo, the main character of the manga series Hajime no Ippo. Its author, George Morikawa-sensei, was probably one of the three mangakas who create good mangas. The other two were ONE, who created One Punch Man and Mob Psycho 100, and Yoshihiro Togashi, who created Hunter X Hunter. I wanted to write a separate piece about each author and their works. I also picked up light novels, with my favorites being Oregairu and Saekano. It was with Saekano that I found the ideal girl.
Megumi Kato is definitely the best anime heroine out there, free from any mainstream anime character and personality molds. Thank goodness that I picked up the light novel even before its second season, by the time that Volume 11 was released. I am now sure that the episode that will be aired this Thursday will be the final blow into Eriri and Utaha’s defection from Blessing Software and definitely Tomoya’s third encounter with Megumi, who cuts her hair short, on Detective’s Hill to cheer up the devastated Tomoya, which will be the most emotional episode of Saekano so far. The episode after that will definitely be Tomoya’s encounter with Eriri and Utaha on the Shinkansen, where some of the things will be patched up, while the heroines will take their respective memorabilia from Tomoya, with Eriri’s being Tomoya’s glasses and Utaha’s being Tomoya’s lips – Oh, yeah, she stole his first kiss. And the final episode of the second season will be the introduction to the new members of Blessing Software: Hashima Izumi – Art; Hashima Iori – Manager.
As a storywriter, I am sure Maruto-sensei will definitely end the season there. That is why I understand why sensei butchered some of the events in Volume 6 and Volume 7 just to make it there. The second season was aired on the backdrop that Tomoya has already confessed for real to Megumi on the latest volume (Volume 12), so the viewers will definitely feel cheated if Maruto-sensei would tease viewers into rooting for the other heroines when Saenai Heroine no Sodatekata is about the Saenai Heroine Kato Megumi herself. While each of the heroines had their own respective claims on why they should receive the affection, for Tomoya, the most hated harem male protagonist as of now, what happened with them are already on the past that should be left behind. Each of the heroines, with the exception of Megumi who trusted Tomoya into resolving the conflict, sought for the harem situation to end and for Tomoya to choose one. But as the series progressed, with the exception of Season 2 Eriri, it already dawned to them that Megumi is the one that Tomoya chose. Eriri will accept that fact later on the series (Volume 9 and Girl’s Side 3 to be specific). The series and Tomoya’s circle started with each of the members, excluding Kato, had their ulterior motives into winning Tomoya. But later on, each member grew to love their circle more than they love Tomoya, which led them into conceding that the choice was on Tomoya’s all along. They no longer force Tomoya into anything and now Tomoya, with all the fences around him now gone, is now free to chase the most beautiful girl to him and the world’s greatest heroine, which is Megumi, of course.
Nobody would ever forget the 8th Episode of the 2nd Season, where Megumi finally unveiled her spectrum of emotions. When I first read it in the light novel (Volume 7) and saw it in its manga adaptation (Chapter 46?), I was on cloud nine. That was the kind of relationship that I was hoping for. I was “giggity” as I thread through online discussions, seeing those who shipped the other heroines jumping into the ship of Megumi. That episode was aired on my birthday and it was the best birthday gift that I ever received (though it was not really meant for me). I expected those events to happen but I was still blown away by that episode. Full credit was given to Megumi’s seiyuu, Yasuno Kiyono, for giving life to and magnifying Megumi’s greatness. Megumi’s latest character song, ETERNAL ♭, was first unveiled on that episode. I fell in love more to Megumi on that song, so I spent 3 hours translating the meaning of her song. I really need something to cheer me up. I was pumped up that I was able to draw Megumi in the next three hours. I was at awe that I managed to somehow replicate how Misaki-sensei (the novel’s illustrator) drew the eyes of the characters. Now that I put up my article about that song, I felt honored to have it on the top search result in Google, though my article about M2U-Promise is also at that top search result in Google. I think that it was enough encouragement to have me writing again. I am willed into writing more every time that I see my readers become enticed of what I have written. I was in glee when they read my whole write-up when I just told them to read a certain paragraph. They were telling me that if only I sorted my thoughts and philosophy correctly, they would be worthy to be preached.
I returned to Manila with another accomplishment to add on my curriculum vitae, which others find already overwhelming.
Though I am a socially awkward person, I managed to run school organizations, socialize with people, and participate in academic and international conferences, because though I was not confident about myself as a person, I was confident on what I can do as a person. I managed to become a man apart. However that came at a hefty prize. There was a consequence of being a man apart, which was to be cold and distant. Though I was admired by some people, there was some kind of a social barrier that separated me from them. When there were people who managed to break past that barrier, they turned disappointed to find me cold and somewhat disconnected. Yes Tel, I felt isolated. How can people say that I treat myself like the world revolves around me if I can’t feel that I belonged to that world in the first place? I was being called “Sir”, “Idol”, “Master”, and other honoring nouns, but never with my name. I even hated calling me “Josh” (That’s how you call me). I never asked for any of these things. Flattery only causes negative thoughts on me. Those achievements were felt empty, because in reality, I have no one to show them to. I said in the past that I would conquer the world just to have her. But then I realized that the world was too much for her. The person that I wanted to show these things to never looked. So what’s the point? I am losing my will to go further.
Honestly, in the last two months, I was not able to produce anything. The pen does not cooperate with a troubled soul. The last time that I attempted writing was a month ago when I was writing a movie review of the animated movie “Koe no Katachi”(I will finish writing it. I promise). But I was troubled with a thought that I watched the movie along in the theaters when I supposed to have a companion to watch the movie with. That was one of the many instances that I was being stood up by that companion of mine. Yes, Tel, that companion of mine was Telle-chan.
For countless times, I sought an opportunity to hang out with her, to talk with her, and to know her better. But she always left me hanging on our conversations, whether it was in Messenger, in Twitter, in text messaging, and in LINE. I even went further embarrassingly by bumping on our conversations just to solicit a reply from her. Two years into the confession, and still there is no CLARITY (Yes, I emphasized the word because she has been misappropriating that word recently.) on what was between me and her. Hell, I even made a song to represent that question of mine. Her mixed signals were tearing me apart on the past two years. It should have ended last November 2015, when I was slapped with the realization that she has just used me to adjust to the UP environment and she does not need me anymore. That is why I wrote that letter that I finally gave her last Valentine’s Day and this poem. I was contented that way and was ready to open my heart to the Everybody’s friend of ICE once again, when she posted a sketch of a person that strikingly resembled me. I was so confused to the point that I terminated the external noise by turning down the love confession of my first love and abandon my pursuit on the Everybody’s friend. And yet, when I met her for the second time in 2016, she was so indifferent and slapped me in the realization that she has just used me again to promote the event of her school organization and she never cared afterwards. I have always sought an audience or a conversation with her, but to no avail. By August 2016, everything seemed hopeless so I declared that I gave up. But I was struck again by another of her mixed signals. She suddenly became “Mariang Sinukuan”. I met her for the third time of the year that month (That Damned Drawn Question). I was asking if she would hang out with me on her birthday, but she kept deflecting the question up to the online conversations.
For months, it was like that: her dodging a meeting, her hanging the conversation, and her not giving a damn. And around that time, I was being tormented by the people I left behind because of her. Out of the blue, on Christmas day last year, the Everybody’s friend of ICE asked me directions to Colegio de San Juan de Letran. There, it dawned to me: she has read my “Missing You” series. I became aware of her pain, and it pained me more, realizing the torment that I inflicted upon others as a consequence of chasing fruitlessly on Telle-chan. My emotions weathered and withered out when January 2017 came and I told you about that on the previous Dear Tel entry. I was beginning to have doubts whether my pursuit of her was worth it. Add a wavering heart on a developing love interest on another due to deprivation of any Telle-chan moments, then comes the social suicide that I planned to. It was time to put an end to my suffering. I knew for certain that since the other two knew that I was still under Telle’s shadow. I just wanted to return to the comforts of my solitude. Telle’s mixed signals messed my paradise over and over. It was I who needed clarity. The buck was on Telle-chan all along. It was like waiting for a death sentence for a long time, putting the death convict into days of anxiety to the point that he would begin begging for the sweet relief of death rather than suffer a torture of waiting and hoping. I was swinging between hope and despair. Every conversation was precious, while every cold shoulder from her was tormenting.
And then it happened. As expected, the other two gave the “no” for they’ve had enough. It was time for me to say so, but I only got an ambiguous response from her. If she told me that she only see me as a friend, then I would remain a friend and to have my feelings settle during that friendship till I can move on to another. But nil. I was beginning to think that your “Putang ina mo, lubayan mo na ako.” was a lot better.
Come to think of it. In the end, I was still thankful of what happened between us back then, both the good times and the bad times. I knew that it was I who was the weak-willed and ambiguous during that time. Thank you for giving me a life lesson. Thank you for straightening my antics. Thank you for putting me on a path where I tremendously grew better. When the members of my organizations attempt to say negative things about you back then, I stopped them, telling them that they should be thankful because on the positive side, things turned out this way. But in a situation that I was left hanging, I can’t move forward. I can’t grow. I can’t progress, because I am still waiting to that meeting place. I have stood still for the last two years when the whole world was moving very fast.
Even though she ignored my confession once again, on the positive note, we have begun to have more conversations, though she was still dodgy on the talks on meeting up. It was around this time that I began to hang out with the guy would become Telle-chan’s crush. He read my blog and heard my stories about her first hand. He found me in the same romantic situation was him though we both concede that mine was still a lot worse because in his case, the girl has already given him a moment of truth and he was just seeking second chances. It was around this time that Telle-chan’s mixed signals began pointing out specifics from the memories that she shared together with me.
Those signals were like her in posing for a photo in the 7-11 branch at Anda St. (which I mentioned in Missing You 2 and Missing You 3) with a caption of her longing for a conversation from a guy from her memories., “You Are The Apple To My Eye” (the movie that we first shared), and the like. The actors and actresses subjected to blind item articles of newspapers would even be thankful that they were not undergoing the same situation as mine.
I had doubts regarding those signals, because if I took them for granted and treasured them, then it might be like the case with that bitch Shella who went to deny all of those memories as if they were lies. That was why I developed a habit of taking a screenshot of every mixed signal from her and sending it to my friend, who was her crush, and let him interpret. That guy was further mystified as a result, because he knew how dodgy Telle-chan was in our conversation yet she inhibited this kind of confusing stimulus. He doesn’t want to involve himself with her.
Her fawning over him and him being disgusted on her was such a cruel sight to behold. Therefore, I broke the facades for her (with that guy’s consent), which made her upset because it ruined her fantasies and delusions. It was also a result of my impulse to her putting up a lame excuse when I asked her out to the theme park for my birthday. That excuse was lame because “she has papers to do” even though the semester already ended weeks ago (three weeks past finals week). My friend gave Telle-chan a little push by relaying to her his frustrations on the girl that he sought, though that was a ruse in his part to hide the fact that his frustrations were directed to her actually. That led her in finally breaking the barrier and talk what was between us. It was only then that she finally said that she only sees me as a friend all along. Well, that revelation was fine to me, if she said it to me two years ago. She doesn’t see any of the hardships and sacrifices that I made. She even tried to turn the table by saying that it was me who was the one not speaking to her. That was it. After a long and lonely journey, shedding some weight, and travelling across the nothingness, only to find its destination empty, I had enough. I can’t dawdle anymore with her. I was both in my physical and emotional limits. I can no longer return to what I’ve left behind. I was just an empty shell.
Mixed signals are still being broadcast by her. It was just like us back then. At that time, we managed to talk it out and you gave me your consent to court you. Will the same history repeat this time? In this case, I would not try to point out anything to vindicate my perspective. I knew that I was not the total victim not I was not the total villain.
As of now, I have to fight my own devils alone. The lethargic shocks are getting more frequent, as if my body is longing for an eternal rest. The episodes of heart spasms and mini-heart attacks are also getting more frequent. Just yesterday, I was just lying in bed when I suffered another one. I have to stand up and stretch my chest at various ways just to negotiate the pain and the end terms. My uncle who has been doing the renovation of our house doesn’t ask me to help him because he knew how I fainted so suddenly when we were fixing the ceiling and I just fell a few feet to the ground. I was so disappointed that I regained my consciousness that time. My life was that bleak and dark. I already lost the will to live. But I am not stupid to end it by my hands, because it is still ending anyway, no matter how I beg. Before I decide whether I should return to her, I sort myself out first and renegotiate for an extension.
The main hindrance to me getting back to shape or doing any rehabilitation is this heart of mine. I knew that this is like a timebomb, ready to go off anytime. That was why I was living my days as if they were my last. That was why I was reluctant when I was chasing you that time. The pains are getting more frequent and before somebody would put up a petty reason to blame it back to me, I would confess that these episodes of pains started around high school. But I never disclosed it to my parents, because they were so toxic to talk to. They were too absorbed on their own victimhood of hardship. Love for my clan, was never about altruism and selflessness. It was about incurring and repaying debt of gratitude. I was becoming tired to those episodes of “sumbatan” from them. They were talking full credit of the accomplishments that I achieved as if they handed them to me on a silver platter. They never thought that I worked hard for them. That my hard work was my repayment and appreciation to their efforts; not letting their efforts go down the drain. They raised me as if they were raising a puppet and not a child, ignoring what I was feeling, never asking me whether I was happy or not. I was being torn by their double standard, telling me that they don’t care about my grades then telling me later that I should have pursued high grades. That’s human nature, perhaps. As Song Yi Soo from 49 Days once said (photo courtesy of Korean Drama quotes):
And that reminds me, it is that fated year to me, as predicted. No matter what happens now, this is definitely be my last Dear Tel entry. Scientists said that it takes seven years for the body to replace all its cells. The cells that once interacted with you were no more. Only my heart remained, which was probably a social abstract too. If we happen to meet coincidentally, we should treat each other as strangers. That is what we really are, right?