Memorandum no. 1
Just like in OreGairu, it could be a monologue of someone.
“Maybe I savored the moments too much.”
My mind was too lost in reflecting on that sentence.
I was laying my back on the seawaters that were times saltier than the sea. As I was looking into the cloudless blue sky, I found myself in astonishment upon thinking the unlikely coincidence that still made me thinking of that person:
To think that the namesake of that person in the Bible has lead people into reclaiming these lands. All of those to avert my mind from regretting that:
Once, I was that person’s first love.
I think that it was around high school that that person was holding a doomed one-sided love to me.
When I made it halfway through high school, I cut all ties and never managed to talk to that person to check on how heartbreak wrought havoc in the years that followed. Back then, the difficulty of empathizing with that agony was a little out of my league as I have yet to suffer one as a high school student. Although that person resembles the second leads in my favorite Korean dramas, I was becoming fairly insensitive to the real world as well. I had plenty of other worries in mind too, so it wasn’t like I was not used to the struggles of life that I needed to go through the trouble of falling in love and being emotionally hurt.
That is exactly why I was intrigued when I met that person by the time I became barely legal, still in the same condition, still gloomy, lonely, and miserable.
In that person, it felt that I was obliged to provide the way out of that sorrow, as if my longing of finding love which I was continuing to deny was slowly being reaffirmed.
I felt that it was possible that things were being rushed as I found myself pleased with that person’s advances.
Despite that, I told that person that for anybody, those advances were perceived as mere tokens of friendship, because I thought that it has to go through a lengthy friendship first. Even though disappointed, that person remained loyal.
But thinking about it even more, I was just a coward into not wanting to reach anything conclusive.
The layers of yesterday marked the calendar that replaced the Gregorian one. Even though, it was the slightest of change, everything felt different and difficult.
In this case, that person was still loyal, but not anymore with love. That person became the reflection of me back then. That’s why, the only thing I could do in the end was to hold that person close and pretend to not see that there was somebody else already.
Yet here I am, reaching out for a one last confession, hinting that the person who was with me in 2013 was the one I fell in love to.
Could it be that I made a step too late when the flame was already extinguished?
That person should not have taken my devaluing of the advances into tokens of friendship in heart, but it wasn’t very pleasant that that person gave the same treatment to everybody else as mine, like I reinforced the misunderstanding that led that person into hurting dozens of misunderstood hearts, like mine.
That person who would wade through the flooded marshlands just to reach my abode. That person who would not assume even though we were alone in a room. That person who became too insensitive to reach. That person who is enjoying solitude.
That person whose eyes became dead like the sea that I was floating upon.