GOYO: Ang Batang Heneral – Initial Review and Afterthoughts

The hype is real. After the critically acclaimed movie Heneral Luna in 2015, another biopic is underway. This time, it is about Gregorio del Pilar, one of the known boy generals in the Philippine Revolutionary Army. The movie Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral is the second of the movie trilogy written and directed by Jerrold Tarog.

I admit that I was tad bit cynical about del Pilar in my previous writing piece back in 2015 [See: Was Gregorio Del Pilar a hero after all?]. It was a sentiment that I got from Nick Joaquin’s Question of Heroes. Admittedly, just like T.M.Kalaw’s biography of Goyo, the resources that would give a picture inside Goyo’s mind were few. His personal diary (and letters) was a bit ambiguous. But yet, his last entries provided a clear glimpse in Goyo’s growing patriotism.

There was light and there was darkness in the life of Gregorio del Pilar as judged by our historiographers and historians. Basking in the light was del Pilar’s glorious epitaph as the Hero of the Tirad Pass, while creeping in the dark was del Pilar’s hideous side of being the hatchet for Aguinaldo and the 1st Philippine Republic, having led the execution of the liquidation of Luna’s officers, notably Luna aides-de-camp Manuel Bernal and Jose Bernal, along with Generals Jose Alejandrino, who had received del Pilar and his arresting men in a sarcastic mood while lying in bed, and Venancio Concepcion who was Goyo’s greatest critic and whom we will probably never see in the movie.

It is refreshing to see Jerrold Tarog paint more humanity in the titular character in this biopic than its predecessor, Heneral Luna. Of course, after that spat with Leloy Claudio who pointed out that Heneral Luna inadvertently painted good light to authoritarian tendencies, which eventually led to the elevation of Rodrigo Duterte to presidency, he had to be careful in writing this biopic. I agree with Prof. Claudio about that, but the blame should not pinned on Director Tarog or to the movie, but rather to the Filipino movie culture.

Most of the Filipinos, some in their limited political and moral sense, are only used to stories with only two sides in it: the heroes assuming the roles of the protagonists, and the villains assuming the roles of the antagonists. They were not used into seeing anti-heroes like Luna assuming the role of the protagonist, neither they were not used to tragedies. And because of that, they would understandably fail to see that Luna’s downfall was not entirely alone because of the conspiracy that brewed within the army and the cabinet, but it was also because of Luna himself, of his behavior, and abusive, destructive and tempestuous tendencies. The ends can never justify the means. Luna led himself to his own downfall.

The short film Angelito, which depicted the events that took place after Heneral Luna, has tied those loose ends and balanced out the misconceptions about its predecessor. It followed the Bernal brothers, along with Joven Hernando, as they escaped from their arresting officers. They were joined by the youngest of the Bernal brothers, Angel, whom his elder brothers were affectionately calling him Angelito. During their hiding, they lament on how loyalty was often directed to a certain idol/personality rather than to the country. The conversation was an allusion to the fanaticism that led to the disregard to the miseries that the current administration has caused, and the disregard to reason.

Of course, not all kinds of loyalty are destructive, as countered by Joven. Aguinaldo has all legitimate reasons for the loyalty of the whole army. He had led the cause for independence. However, reflecting the lamentation by Nick Joaquin in Question of Heroes, there was a time when Aguinaldo should have been cunning and decisive, only that he didn’t. What was being referred to was time during August 1898, when Aguinaldo’s forces had surrounded Intramuros, one step shy of overall victory. It was one of the two biggest what-ifs during the Philippine independence movement, the other being the Filipino counter-offensive during the third week of February 1899.

I was sure that Aguinaldo was more than aware of what Manuel Bernal was saying. Aguinaldo knew how fickle the Filipino loyalty is. It was that kind of loyalty that was conditional. That loyalty was just a liability as much as being an asset for Aguinaldo. And that bogged down to his decisiveness, which led to the death of Antonio Luna and the subsequent blunders.

Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral takes off where Angelito had left, with the same thesis regarding loyalty that Angelito had tackled. It is with that thesis that humanity was being painted upon Gregorio del Pilar as he journeyed into finding the meaning behind being a hero.

The capture of the Bernal brothers was one of the scenes in the opening sequence, along with the liquidation of the Luna’s staff. During the torture scene, Manuel Bernal compares Goyo to a dog who will follow anything that is being told to do. It is a fitting metaphor to the initial state of character of Goyo at the start of the movie.

Gregorio del Pilar was just like that at first. He would do anything just to curry favor, to earn praise, and to be commended at first, with his stints at Biak-na-bato and Nueva Ecija, and eventually with leading the liquidation of Luna’s officers. Those praises, which he garnered from Aguinaldo, from his officers, from the townsfolk, fed his vanity (which I elaborated in great detail in my previous piece). Just like on how he was appeased with those praises, insinuations can also cause great disturbance in him.

Tandaan mo kung sino ka. [Remember who you are]

 

It was a reverberating reminder that served as a catalyst in Goyo in finding his place, apart from being Aguinaldo’s closest general, apart from being the hatchet of the republic. As he fought retreating battles, and suffered defeats in Pangasinan and La Union, his definition of loyalty developed. Along the way, he found out that leaders like Aguinaldo can be replaced, but his patria is something that his irreplaceable. His loyalty developed from being a mere allegiance to Aguinaldo into a indomitable love for the Philippines, which culminated into his sacrifice on Tirad Pass.

Walang mga bayani sa bundok na ito. Tayo’y mga sundalong puno ng pag-ibig, hindi ng galit. [There are no heroes in this mountain. We are soldiers filled with love, not hate.]

It was a character development that blew me away. I retract some of my harsh remarks on Goyo in my previous piece. I recommend everybody to watch this movie.

BONUS BIT – EXPLAINING THE FRAMES

There was 5-month cessation in the American offensive, between June 1899 to November 1899, due to the following reasons: (1)consolidation of the American forces over the occupied areas, and (2) the monsoon season has bogged down the battlefields.

During those 5 months of respite, del Pilar has enjoyed going to every town’s festivities. (Opinion: I see this as him shirking his duties)

Aguinaldo and one of Goyo’s sweethearts overseeing Goyo’s departure towards Tirad Pass from the current line of defense in Concepcion, Ilocos Sur

Angel Bernal gritting through incarceration leading to his subsequent release.

The retreat of the headquarters of the republic to the north, simultaneous with the del Pilar brigade leading to intercept the American offensive in November 1899.

Aguinaldo offering the position of Chief Justice to Mabini after the dissolution of the Mabini Cabinet (on which the Paterno-Buencamino clique had opposed). This starts the rift between Mabini and Aguinaldo.

Snippet of Aguinaldo’s hopeless trek across the Cordilleras

It was an exhaustive trek while ultimately led Aguinaldo to the remote town of Palanan in Isabela.

Arrival of the American munitions and reinforcements in Manila.

Joven having enough of del Pilar’s timidity and atrocities

The defenses of the Alejandrino brigade in Mangatarem, Pangasinan being overrun by Americans.

Moments before the shot that killed del Pilar at Tirad Pass

Goyo regrouping the beleaguered troops after what happened in Pangasinan, at Concepcion, Ilocos Sur.

Setting up the Tirad Pass defenses.

Manuel Luis Quezon. After fall of the headquarters in Tarlac, he would be reinstated under the command of Tomas Mascardo in Bataan. Eventually, he would be sent as an emissary of Mascardo to Aguinaldo.

Soldiers scampering after Goyo’s death.

Americans finally seizing Tirad Pass.

Col. Enriquez moments after Goyo’s death and the surrender of the defenses at Tirad Pass.

Identifying Goyo’s remains after being exposed to the elements for days.

Mabini on his way to exile to Guam. Mabini began to express his resentment towards Aguinaldo in his La Revolucion Filipina.

Aguinaldo talking to Quezon after his surrender.

Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral
In Theaters
September 5, 2018

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Knowledge.

The body of knowledge.
Such an untamable animal.
To it we make our pledge.
Chasing it was optimal.
Never will it be optional.
Leaving it alone is imprudent.
One can only learn as a student.
Yet we can never claim to be its master.
The more we slack off, the more it goes farther.
To the very least, we can only handle it.
But never under us will it submit.
It has to keep on moving.
In order to keep us chasing.
So that our blood will not run stagnant.
Chasing progress like an errand.

Looking Back On Living The Life

 

Submitted Report:
“Looking Back On Living The Life”
Engr. Joshua C. Agar
UP Diliman

Living the life is a lie. It is nothing but evil.

Those of you who rejoice in living a comfortable life are perpetually deceiving yourselves and those around you.

You perceive everything about the reality surrounding you to be revolving around you alone as if it was a kingdom for you to rule over.

Even life-threatening mistakes, like lethargy, indolence, apathy, and ignorance, will be reduced into a single page that portrays yourselves as just living the life.

I’ll give you an example. If such people were fooled by fake news and black propaganda, it would be called “into being part of life.”

If they reveal themselves to be ignorant, they would say ignorance is a bliss.

Their “living the life” excuses even distortions of commonly held beliefs and social norms and attempts to spare themselves from being found out that they were having cognitive dissonance or that they were selfishly pragmatic, illogical, and irrational.

Under their discretion, the folly brought by their inaction and ignorance are nothing but a part of life.

And in their corrupt way, they attempt to mask their selfishness, inaction, and apathy, as “neutrality”.

They conclude that their selfishness is generally a part of living their lives full, and the selfishness that they saw on others as something to condemn.

If living the life means unfruitful selfishness, isn’t it strange not to consider those who concern themselves on other people and state affairs as living a fruitful life? Not that they were aware of it.

Living a long meaningless life is nothing compared to living a short meaningful life. Therefore, their “living the life” is a sham, full of damnable lies, deception, secrets, and fraud. They are selfish, and therefore evil.

That is to say, ironic as it is, that those who do not put themselves in the center of the world and concern themselves on the things around them are the truly righteous ones.

In conclusion: fools who enjoy the thing called “living a life” should go and freaking die.

-A paraphrase of “高校生活を振り返って” (Looking Back on High School Life) by 比企谷 八幡 (Hikigaya Hachiman)

When Eyes Met

Look into my eyes!

This is what you might see when I am gazing upon you, when our eyes met, and when you got my attention. But unfortunately, you would be seeing me lock eyes with you hardly. The life in my eyes were gone. It is not that I have gone blind. But my eyes are not conveying anything anymore.

When two people look into each other’s eyes at the same time, it is called eye contact. It has been one of the tools of humans in communication, which is not verbal, yet has a big and complex influence over the social behavior of people. We can interpret many things. We can interpret the person’s emotional state using eye contact. Eye contact can communicate sadness, confidence, fervor, joy, rancor, and other various emotions.

And sometimes, eye contact can trigger love. Love at first sight is always deemed ridiculous and is often treated as a mere cliche. But love triggered when eyes met is maybe more believable.

***

It happened exactly six years ago, August 12, 2010. Remove the cat-furred mustache, and you can imagine easily how I looked 6 years ago. It was rainy like this day. The spell of rain brought haze in the campus, as if, the university was being hidden by nature against the disruptive pollution brought by the surrounding urban areas. I was a lively political science student back then. I was just being brought out from being an introvert by my dorm-mates. I was beginning to conquer those days with glee, as I began to comfortably mingle with my classmates, regardless of age.

Even though I was mingling with people, I knew that I was still detached inside. Their interests don’t always match with mine. Some of my interests were regarded as either geeky or eccentric. But my will was never wavered with these differences. I treated my social detachment as how I do my ordinary, since that was how I became stable. But once in awhile, right in the middle of my stable life, love gave me a magical tale.

I just watched the short animated film made by Mike Inel titled, “Draw with me.” It was about a story of a boy and a girl separated by an unbreakable wall of glass with drawing on the glass wall as their only mean of communication, where the boy, longing too much for the girl who he fell to, tried to break the wall, injuring his hand instead, which compelled the girl, out of love, to sacrifice her other arm for the boy. (Cue: Ai Otsuka – Cherish)

Since when was it said, that from all great things some part of it had to be lost?
Terrified of letting our hearts become one
I tried to let our bodies fill the void
I tried to mask my fears
But still, every single one of those days
You were still there
You were still there in my heart

If we could have shared a deep love, I thought
Even if some day, our time here were to end
I could imagine I’d be loving you for all eternity
Reaching out to you, forever

Love is such a frightening thing
That’s why I run from it, yet chase after it
Whether as an adult or as a child it makes no difference

It’s like falling in love for the first time
To the point where it feels like destiny
When you hold me, I feel this way
There’s nothing better than this… this dream…

If we never had the chance to meet each other
I wouldn’t be able to smile the way I do now
This year, the happiest moments I’ve had
Were the moments I could be there next to you

If we could have shared a deep love, I thought
Even if some day, our time here were to end
I could imagine I’d be loving you for all eternity
Reaching out to you, forever

I was so eager to share the film to my classmates that I downloaded it to my phone to have them watch personally. Finally, on the last class of the day, Span 10 or the Elementary Spanish I class, which was to be held at the topmost floor of the College of Arts and Letters Building. My classmates were sitting at the hallway, since the preceding class was still taking place. Then came that girl: Mary Myrtle B. Agulto. As I began to play the video, she also reached for my phone. There! Skin contact. Both of us felt a mild electrical shock as we looked into each other’s eye. (Cue: Elegy of the Dynast)

It was a moment, memorable enough to leave her an impression:

As for me, that was the moment that I couldn’t remove her from my train of thoughts as she captured my heart. But being locked into cherishing that moment made me chase that her who I touched hands with and whose eyes I looked into. She may have seen it:

If The Voice Be Heard

If you’ll fall in love with her every smile,
might as well be contented with the still frames.

In real life, she won’t be always light and easy to get along with.
She’ll not be as radiant through all the difficulties.
She won’t stay put when you do something off her tastes.
But just like the photo, she can be unreal to you more often than you’ll ever know.

Her eyes will betray her, they plead to be heard.
The photo won’t speak to you the intricacies..
Neither will the real one do.
I told you to spare yourself, she won’t open up to you.

Heed my voice, I’ve seen her ways.
She gives her smile to everyone.
How come you thought it was yours to keep?
Good friend, you were fooled.
people can never get all they’ve wished for..so why her?

-Myrtle Agulto

Tragedy befell as reality corroded those images of mine in her. I narrated the story on the previous write-ups, in the Dear Tel series. Since then, I cannot confidently make eye contact with someone else again, maybe out of fear of having that kind of love again, or falling in love again. (Cue: Understanding)

Abscond!

If you fall in love to him at this very instant, make yourself contented with these still frames of borrowed time.

Life will reclaim his course and put him back to his destined fate. His life will be a lonely and an arduous one. He will think less of himself and much of others as he will shed every burden that will hinder him to his intended path. Going with him is arduous already. He is a speeding train that will be difficult to catch up if you are left behind. Without brakes, surely he will self-destruct, and you don’t want to be around when that happens. He will surely level the landscape eradicating all the ills of the unequal society. Those frames of him smiling might be his last. He will be unreal more than anyone that you know.

His eyes will betray his heart. His heart pleads to be heard. His smiles will not reveal his mysteries. Neither his words will do. It may be something you regret when you look back in time, but just think that you’re having a nightmare. You can wake up from nightmares. As time goes by, you wonder what you dreamt of, not being able to remember anything.

Heed my voice. Do you want to run away while you can? Get up now, put on your shoes, and run away with all your might. You only have one chance. You could be dragged along with him on the terrible road of pain. His inspiration and motivation take their roots on everyone who looks up to him. How come you would think that these are all because of you all along? How come you would think that he is yours to keep? Good friend, you might be one of those that he fooled. People sometimes cannot get what they wished for. Stars are meant to disappear someday. So what now?

Missing You

In vain, I texted. Futilely, I wished. To no avail, I waited.

My thoughts fly apart as I try to continue my writings that has been long pending. My mind flies away at the time I need it the most. Missing somebody is like being on solitary confinement with the torture of loneliness driving me insane while my friends  laugh at it encouraging me to do the same. I confessed about my frustrations on the girl that kept me inspired to continue on being an achiever.

“Do you know how it feels to be running low on battery and it is only through seeing her will charge the battery?” I said, pointing my finger gun to my temple hoping my projections on her will burst into a hologram.

“Grabe ka Bayaw!” my best friend just can’t believe how lovesick I was.

“Like I told you, being a renaissance man was a hard deal already: in billiards, my local followers were looking all over the place to fetch me into playing money games in billiards with a hell of a disadvantage; in chess, our local chess club is summoning me to train the younglings; in duckpin bowling, when the Alumni Center was still there, I would be summoned to train applicants and have me participate in bowling tournaments far from home; in my writing career, a lot of people was anticipating already my essays entitled “Indolence of the Filipinos in the 21st Century” and “Brief Narration of Philippine History”, as well as my biography on Pedro Paterno, “Pedro Paterno, A Filipino”, my Filipino interpretation of Antonio Luna’s Impresiones, my collage/portfolio of the tales of the dead on “Cuentos de la Muerte” and finally my novel that I have been writing for three years already, “Eminencio Magnifico”; and the academic community has been putting a lot of pressure on my theses and researches. And that doesn’t include romance on which I suck at.”

He is perplexed that I seem like impossible. For someone to be like that is almost like a sin. Jose Rizal, despite having lots of beautiful women charmed, still held dearly his love towards Leonor Rivera. I’ve had thirteen girlfriends at the same time in my 2nd year in my high school days. But like Rizal, our affection was fixated to the person we never had. I don’t know how to act romantic anymore or simply I do not want to remember. It is as if I have casted a shield against charms of others. I do not know what to do with this invigorated heart of mine. There can be reason why that girl is not communicating with me: (1) Maybe she was now busy with her academics which is riddled with papers. (2) Maybe she was preoccupied to the school organization she was applying at. (3) Maybe she had lots of family matters to attend to. (4) But I can’t now stand on the idea that I only occupy a dot on the diagram of her thoughts!

Dogs were regarded as “man’s bestfriend”. They were obedient, energetic and loyal to their masters and owners. You may be going out for a while, but for your dog, the separation felt forever, yet your dog beams with excitement when he saw you return as if you’ve not sinned against him on giving the terrible missing feeling. Back in my town in Dasmariñas, my godfather’s dog treats me as his true master despite the fact that I am not his owner. Everytime I go to their house, the dog displays a burst of energy which people only see when I was around. For three weeks, I was not able to go home. And when I returned, the dog, named TJ, was already weak. Despite being weak, he tried all his best to greet me with his normal greeting on me. Out of pity, I proceeded into carrying the dog while patting him on his head despite the fact that the dog was already poorly hygeniated.

Now, I do not wonder how that dog deteriorated physically when not seeing someone. I sympathize. Will I share the same fate as this dog?

I tried to find reasons to gather inspiration to fuel my urge to write. If I try hard enough, I know I might be inspired. She is not just good looking, she is beautiful! She really looks like someone who had tons of followers, unlike me who looks dull and boring. She has short hair and I also know how tall she was, her eyes just level with my shoulders, maybe around 5’2”. She said she would not grow taller anymore. It is very difficult to steal glances on her, to look upon her eyes that are under purple-rimmed glasses. I remember those black eyes, that speak of a mysterious happiness, which can melt stuff when they are focused on it. I tried their power, but the happiness was too much for me to handle, here the happiness is still lingering in me. She is pretty low on self-esteem and confidence. She said she was just mediocre on the things she is pursuing. She said she was just a normal person. I don’t think so, she’s not normal, she’s perfect. I remember how she bites her lips as she smiles and my heart flutters. I remember the magic of the moment when we met for the first time.

And there is where my mind emits steam signifying that my brain activity nears its limit and I will only now feel how it is on cloud nine. There, there, I can’t think of something to write again.

Even since I told my bestfriend about our meeting in the ACLE class, he has been itching to see my facial expression when I get to see her now. He coaxes me into going where she is usually around. He said that it is for me, so that I will get closer to her. Tss, if I know better, he only wants to ward away my thoughts on accommodating the others who were knocking at the door of my heart. When I happen to see someone with similar features: short-golden-red-haired girl with purple-rimmed glasses, he laughs at the sight of me having a mini-heart attack as a sign of an impending burst of happy feelings.

I am growing lonelier and gloomier day after day, with my love batteries running low, knowing that it won’t be too long to confirm whether she is indeed real, even though I met her already, or if I just conjured her out of the fragments of my playful imagination. Sometimes, when I go out for a walk at night when I am having a hard time thinking on something to write, I imagine her right beside me with her steps in sync as mine. She has been asking me on what was going in my mind. I reply that I am thinking of her. I must crazy because now I am talking to a hallucination. I must be really lonely. I kept pushing the topic of the conversation to her but she kept on encouraging me to do what she admired: working for the betterment of the Filipinos and being true to the zeal of nationalism. I am already losing hope because if she get to be famous too, she’ll disappear, just like the people who get too beautiful. I am afraid that even these memories with her I treasured would turn out to be lies. If that’s the case, let me stay on my hallucinations. I am more at ease with her around, real or unreal. Will she be the Leonor Rivera to me, propelling me to this long lonely road to martyrdom?

Round and round I went. Soul-searching? Nope, I found my soul already. It is my soulmate who I am now looking for.

Some people say that when you have found your lifetime partner, it will feel like having the world at your feet. Will it be the same the other way around: if I would have the world at my feet, so that I can have her? I was already in content of being disappointed of the loneliness of the path I was taking: for I must disassociate myself with everybody. My family already felt betrayed when I confided to them the path I was taking. They would rely now on the 2^nd eldest. I honestly felt gracious that she disturbed me from my slumber. Will I still be okay if this turn out for worse or if I get involved more or this finally ends? Will I return to my sheets and dream about the nightmares of my impending fate, after starting to feel again?

It has been a week since we’ve first met. The clouds greeted me by blocking the sun so that I can proceed with my PE – 2 Swimming class without being irritated by the scorching heat. It was a Thursday afternoon. I wore my hiking wear. The previous night, I proceeded to ask her online, inviting her to a field trip in the National Museum. For me, it was my invitation for a date. Even though she agreed, I felt things would turn to the worse: another instant replay of the “Nuestro Salir” moment five years ago. That day, I was blank. I don’t want to wait any longer. I treated the event I was anticipating never to happen. But I wish time would run a little slower just this once, for I know that my fairy tale has to end, and it has to end now.

I went to see Professor Florentino Iniego to consult about the new chapter of Antonio Luna’s Impresiones that I just translated. I was accompanied by my bestfriend who happened to be his student in his PI 100 class. I was busy talking, or ranting about the difficulty of translating Luna’s work which is full of sentences without predicates. He probably wasn’t interested about my ranting and he changed the topic into asking:

“Ano na ang lagay kay Telle-chan? [How things are going on between Telle-chan?]”

That did it, I snapped. I uttered monotonous lame words but all they spell is the death of the autumn, the last struggle of a life inside me: farewell.

“Wala na! Wala nang pag-asa. Talagang hanggang mag-isa na lang talaga ako sa buhay! Pagbibigyan ko na lang si…”

“KUYA JOSH!”

Something rang in my ear. A familiar voice. I turned around, a full three hundred sixty degree out of shock, snapping out of my turmoil. My heart was at its maximum rate of pumping blood, delivering vigorous blood with adrenaline into my veins.

“Tuloy po ba tayo bukas?” she said. She was just wearing her ordinary houseware for she was just there in UP to attend one of the workshops of the org she was applying to. It doesn’t matter. She was indeed standing in front of me. No longer a speck of my hallucination. To hide my stuttering(which happens when I’m in love), I just noded.

The sun shone again. My hibernation was cancelled, totally!

I punched the air in jubilation after that fateful meeting!

The afternoon seemed to brighten up at such shocking intensity that it made me want to cry. The birds are singing in the trees, the cotton trees seem to pollinate again, joggers in the acad oval are singing: “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”, and even though I saw the everybody’s friend from UP-ICE on the way, I was not wavered on my resolution to pursue that girl, for me, even the walk to LRT-Katipunan station seem like a piece of cake for me.

She’s real! She’s real!

My picture of her in my mind became vivid again. It is the same as when we first met. I was in high spirits when I was making my walk towards LRT-Katipunan Station. My bestfriend cannot help to notice the brightest smile emanating from me. I was to the point that I was about to make the concert on the traffic build-up in Katipunan Avenue. I was shouting to the whole world at the top of my lungs that I loved her. I never felt so alive.

Tomorrow came. I can’t concentrate all night long the previous night because my mind was full of thoughts of her. Has she evolving into a Josephine Bracken in my life, a ‘panggulo’? I moderated what I was feeling at the moment for that fear might come true. I was already at LRT-Recto station minutes before our agreed-upon time of meeting. I was already tired and feeling sleepy because despite my mind becoming full of her, I forced myself into continuing to write for I thought that I must make her proud.

Before I knew it, the moment of glory was over, 30 minutes past the agreed-upon time, still, there was no reply from her. Come to think of it, how can someone put on her priorities, a non-descript someone. I might have deceived myself in my delusions and that should be expected but why does it still hurt?

And then, she texted me. She just informed me that she was already on her way. Thank goodness! She kept on apologizing. I lied that I wasn’t even there yet. I texted her to send me a text message when she was at LRT-Santolan station already. I settled for a nap, sitting on the floor, of a train station, where lots of people were to see a pitiful tired figure like a museum exhibit, for free!

In vain, I waited. Futilely, I hoped. To no avail, I anticipated. I woke up an hour later, 9:40 am, only to find out that she had texted me already that she was already on LRT-Santolan station 20 minutes ago. She was about to arrive at any moment. I went to the comfort room to re-groom myself, prepare for the things I will say by the afternoon, rehearse on how I will be going to give my sketch of her picture to her and also prepare for the white lie that I did not wait for too long.

The train arrived and I tried to look around for the signs of her. The flux of the people exiting the gates started to decrease with still no sign of her. My hope was about to die when…

“Kuya Josh!”

That familiar voice turned my attention to a girl wearing a PE Uniform. My heart knew. A smile etched in my face, I faced her and there she was, truly beside me.

Dear Tel – October 2, 2015

My hands were shaking when I played on my last pool match. It was not because I was nervous (my opponent was a mere amateur) but because I was spewing in anger for the lack of sportsmanship he displayed during the match. He was making desperate moves just to try to win. I really wanted to smack him right in his face but my self-containment prevents me to do so. It was never really patience that prevents me. I’ve been restraining myself from displaying any other kind of emotion, especially succumbing to rage. But inside, I was too temperamental. It was not when things go under my way, but it was because some people were too ignorant and selfish. Maybe it was because of my childhood trauma of seeing the expression of my grandfather when he saw how I brutally murdered that chick and seeing how the poor chick expired.

I do not quite understand how the people can be that stubborn. That fellow who I now refuse to call as my colleague, whose post on Rappler.com was brought down because of the fact of comparing the nationalist movements as an ultra-nationalist one, is still pushing through with his notion. He favoured the Philippines being on small groups rather as a whole nation. He said that nationalism endangers ethnic groups. He kept pushing that it was the system that was the problem. I just do not understand how a person can be that closed-minded. It was certain that he took the same subjects as I am, but why he did not step back to see the bigger picture. It was the people that had the problem. They made the system that he was talking about. They maintained the system that he was talking about. Everything, other than natural causes, that caused our miseries was all man-made. It was maybe because that it will be hurtful to them to admit that it was their fault.

With also regards to the historical figures, the ones we treated as heroes, I was aggrieved by the ignorance of the people. A lot of people are pretending now to know the Philippine history by merely sowing and breeding unjustifiable hate over those infamous persons in history. It was quite sad to hear that this spewing hatred has become a trend. History with the statement of facts is just the tip of the iceberg. It must be also a Question of Reasons behind their decisions without prejudice, which is 80% of history. Just like the people they tend to bully over the internet, the heroes we adhere were also human beings. They must try first to understand that person’s situation before laying out their judgment. I wanted to urge them to read literatures on history first and not treat the movie as the theory of everything. The movie Heneral Luna served as an eye-opener, nothing more, and nothing less. It did not blame Aguinaldo or the other people in history. It showed that the problem lies within us, within our culture. It gave the picture of Timbermann’s notion that some aspects of our culture are detrimental to the course of Philippine politics. It also gave the picture of Migdal’s notion that the government was powerless if the society was too tough to handle. It also gave the picture of the communist notion by showing us how American Imperialism made its way to our society. It also gave the picture on Kawanaka’s approach, which is exemplified by the late DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo, of the efficiency of the government if all officials are united under one banner, which the 1^st Philippine Republic failed to do so. I don’t see anything for Pilapil’s approach on institutional defects for the state was at war during those days and institutions have to be suspended. It all still boiled down into laying the blame only to ourselves. We are the ones who were controlling our destiny all the time. It is with this that I began to write another essay explaining the importance of knowing the history fully, and now I was on my way into writing another 40-page essay, narrating the history of the Philippines.

It was another essay that I have yet to finish. My work has been piling up. So I tried to prioritize Indolence of the Filipinos in the 21^st century first, but leaving the draft, which was already at Chapter 3 out of 5, for 2 months made it difficult to provide the continuity of that essay. Well, I guess I have to read the draft again first. I don’t know if I would want to submit this essay, along with the previous essay that I started to write just days ago (about the history), to publication houses in hopes of them becoming pocket books.

But still I cannot bring myself to do so. My mind wanted to, but my body can’t keep up. It has kept in store lots of ideas and ideals. I have been itching to write everything, for it was only through writing that I was able to express myself. My self-restraint has reduced me into a dull and boring person with no means of establishing connections at all. I don’t trust any of my colleagues in the Institute of Civil Engineering anymore, except to those unaffiliated colleagues of mine whom I was able to see their innocent sides. To those unaffiliated people, I happily presented myself as the clown to our friendship. But to others, I was very hostile. There was one time that I wanted to open myself to others. But because of the issue on Nikka, I lost that trust that I was investing to them. Speaking of her, I now got to see her ask.fm profile after being informed by their faculty adviser that she had one. She had reactivated her account. And it was because of that I was able to see the questions that pestered her wall. I took into consideration that she had already filtered some of the explicit questions. I have to concede that hers was much worse that mine. On the other hand, based on the pattern of interrogation of those askers, I was able to get wind of who those arseholes that pestered her wall really were. It was the same people who fed me those gossips in confidence and those people who made me the scapegoat of their wrongdoings.

It was quite scary to be on those student organizations. They are giving you an impression of a friendly environment and giving impression of being honest because of the partial frankness that they exhibited, but behind, they were nasty wolves in implanting destructive images of their brethrens. How I got wind of these rumours? Oh, hell that they are talking about it out loud! Even their innocent members are not spared on their backstabbing. Oh, those poor souls who were given hope of being a part of a big family, who were hoping to relieve their loneliness by merely joining within their ranks. These organizations employed their disturbing exclusivity in order to amplify the feeling of isolation. Only those with strong will had been able to resist in joining those organizations. But I have to commend this one particular organization, which were the few exemptions to this generalization. The org that our batch valedictorian, Christy Eunice Reyes, was in, UP CREST, were generally friendly batch. Unlike the other organizations who were just interested on keeping on recruiting members, the organization acted true on their objective of being an academic organization. And unlike the other organizations, they were acting as one big family who was not selfish on befriending other unaffiliated students without recruitment pressure and on lending on a helping hand.

I have to thank God that my first crush on our institute was unaffiliated till she graduated and now she is an instructor of the Institute. Well, on the other crushes that I have in this institute, I was rather unfortunate. The next one was of UP Aggregates. Back then, I was beginning to realize on how I develop my affection to someone so fast. I just shook the table, bumped into her, traded glances, and that was it: I was attracted to her. Just like you said, I am the shittiest guy you know. I made the most awkward of gestures. But I was so inspired because of her to the point that I was able to draw her in just mere 15 minutes. That drawing was the one that I gave her at the last day of our CE 15 class. For the first time of my life, I was stuttering out of nervousness, with my hands shaking wildly. I was stuttering these words: “Ma…Mau…” Yes, that girl’s name was Maureen Joy Gulapa. She was the one that Choco was teasing for me in order to hide her affections back then. It was also through Choco that i was able to forget those affections to Mau, although the awkwardness remained. It was after Choco that I fell for Nikka. It was quite a sad story for her. That led to the destructions to whatever connections that I invested with my classmates on the Institute. It was with this loneliness that my regrets on what happened between us struck me again. I had a hard time forgetting you. I always came by to the Five Star bus station on Cubao where we shared our last moments together. I always alighted the bus at the Central Ave. Station where we often went to catch up the bus going to Lawton. A big addition to it was your nickname, “Tel”, which was a syllable to everything that I know: Hotel, Motel, Telephone, Tell. Etc. I knew then that I have to wait for you to graduate in order to set things in motion. It went worse, my loneliness and depression, when I found out that Lost in a Daydream. It was a pure coincidence that we crossed path at the main library. It was another coincidence to find you as the student assistant to the computer section of the main library. I was about to rent a computer when I saw you behind the desk. I almost swore when I saw you there. I was then unfortunate that I was with my orgmates when that instance happened. Since then, they were setting the venues of our organization’s meetings at the main library. They were having fun on seeing me anxious and awkward while I was on the place. Things took turn for the worse, when you took the job of inspecting the bags of those who would leave. I was late and too rattled for the tournament I was participating because of that.

Your presence breathes to my soul. Yet, it brings my heart into the wringer. I don’t know if fate was playing with me or it is just that I was destined to be unlucky with you, that I met you at that unfortunate Thursday, September 24, 2015, at the Jollibee in Cubao. I was so engrossed into writing articles that I forgot to make breakfast on my dorm. I then decided to just buy a meal in the Jollibee that I would be passing by. I fell in line on the leftmost row. But when I saw that the first one in line was ordering many meals of their menu, I decided to shift to the rightmost lane. There was this girl that took a lot of time in placing her order in the counter. I then shifted lanes again, this time to the left of the rightmost lane, right next to that lady, which I found out was you. I tried my best to keep my poker face. But believe me when I tell you that I was stopping a waterfall of tears from falling out of my eye. I initially thought that I was seeing things, but when that lady spoke, I already recognized that voice, which was yours. I was crying like a fool when I left the establishment when I got my meal. Why do you have to show up to bring pain to my heart once again?

The first one that I told that instance was my best buddy, Erik. But we have to do our conversation in secret because your boyfriend was seated right next to me in our CE 112 class. We turned our attention to the girl seated in front of us:  the everybody’s friend, Jezel Dyn Cruz, one of Mau’s closest friends. I confided to Erik that Jezel’s aura gives good vibes to the ones she was interacting with. I then told him that I have a crush on that girl, but I told him that it was still a pity, our situation. I laid down all of my prospects: my competitors would be her friends and her organization, which I became notorious of; there was still awkwardness between me and Mau who was one of her closest friends. She gives her smiles to everyone. She is indifferent on her treatment for others. Much I wanted to pursue her or even date her, I was helpless in the situation. My romanticism had been buried for a long time to the point where I couldn’t find it again. I can’t think of ways. I wanted some time with her. But damn. I was sitting in the tarmac, waiting for the ATC clearance to proceed. Yes. I like you, Jezel Dyn Cruz.

My mind was fatigued already. I have a lot of things to do. I began doing my second undergraduate thesis voluntarily. I wanted to contribute as much as I can to my institute. It only takes a simple encouragement to continue what I have been doing. I have to thank one of my faculty advisers, Dr. Jaime Y. Hernandez Jr. for encouraging me on my thesis. It awakened my soul again. It was just like when the late-principal of my Alma Mater in elementary and high school encouraged me, thus I pushed myself into excelling in academics. I wanted to impress these people as much as I can. I do not want those people to be let down. I cannot break any more promises again. I am trying my best to finish the essays that I promised to publish. And also, I am trying as much as I can to finish the book that I was writing, a promise that I made to that special someone (It is not you anymore). Oh that poor girl from UP-CSWCD. I promised to her that I would dedicate myself until the last drop of my blood for being true to our founding fathers. I do not want her to continue on looming back in her past. I wanted to present her, Karla Coderes, the brightness of the tomorrow. Much as my mind wanted to take on everything, my body couldn’t keep up. With these predicaments, my admiration for Dr. Jose Rizal increases by the minute, on how he kept himself in a solitary and disciplined life when he was writing his novels while doing other things. He never gave in to hypocrisy. He had an indomitable spirit. His spirit and fervour for the Philippines soared high beyond death. Even though he had flaws like every other human being, he deserved his posthumous status. With his inspiration, I will continue on writing, on pursuing my solitary cause. Well, it is good now that I have somebody whom I treated as a younger(non-biological) sister to talk with, her nickname was a homonym to yours. And speaking of younger sister, I once promised you that I would introduce you to my younger (biological) sister. It was one of the promises that left hanging.