October 9, 2019 (Wednesday)
All preparations are done. Onboard my Japanese bicycle are the luggage that I deemed necessary for my voyage. It will be a listless wandering even though I have a destination in mind, just like my present. Hahaha. That reminds me of the presents that I was supposed to give her the previous night. She told me the last time we’ve been together that she was looking forward into receiving the umbrella that I promised for her. She told me those words with the smile that was melting my heart for a long time.
That day was the day that she gave her assurances to that weary heart of mine. That day was the day that she jubilantly shared with me the dream house that she envisioned. That day was the day that we talked about our future together.
Never have I thought that that would be the last day that we would be together. Suddenly, I was blocked on all of her social media accounts, as well as to the phone calls, which returned the ominous one-ring then beep response, indicated that my number was blocked.
I tried going to her office, but she never showed up. She just disappeared from my life, just like the stars that became too beautiful. Maybe that’s why I clung too much on her back then, because even though she’s that precious, just like many of the people that I’ve treasured in the past, the fear that she’ll leave me persisted.
That fear was well-founded though.
Little by little, she began to distance herself. She insisted that we should see less frequently. The sweet things that we’ve done together – which elicited the envy of the onlooking people acting like the chorus singing “sana all” – became non-existent. She kept doubting the whether love was real despite me assuring her otherwise. Instead of appreciating my gestures, she was instead pressured into thinking that she had to reciprocate, as if I was putting her in an emotional hostage as if her smiles weren’t enough, even though they’re priceless, as tokens in return. Maybe she was burdened. Those suppositions littered my mind as I grasped for an explanation after leaving me in the dark…
…on why she left everything hanging in the air…
The sudden void due to her unexplained and sudden absence caused my heart to implode as the heart cannot contain the negative thoughts that filled in. And being left hanging figuratively made the urge into turning that sense in a literal way. I kept imagining my feet off the ground as I elevated myself into the dominion of my room, my crumbled world. I wanted to shave the weight of my dejection into my neck as my existence was seemingly rejected by the world who disapproved my only wish – which was her by my side.
Well, she was my world, and that world left me.
For the pain to stop, the negative thoughts kept on urging me to follow suit with the departure.
I do not want to yield to those thoughts, so I departed from my room and rode a bike instead.