Hello. Joshua here.
I just wrote this to let you guys know that I will be on a sabbatical in the following days, meaning that I will be off the grid during that time.
I will be leaving my phone here. The phone will be on throughout, I assure you. So if you still have official matters to communicate, hopefully, I can read them at a latter time.
My primary reason for taking a leave is the mental and emotional exhaustion of being in the dark for the past two weeks. Indeed, the feelings for that girl will not change. But I really need time for myself. My close friend and superior already approved my leave, though I have to be in time for the meeting with the Association of Structural Engineers of the Philippines.
With all the pressure and expectations that were upon me, I really sought for an inspiration and a motivation to push on. But that inspiration was seemingly gone in an instant, and up to this moment, I still have no idea why.
To let you know, I always had anxiety. I was already hyperventilating at work last Monday as the anxiety was still continuing for a week or so.
Even so, I would like to thank my colleagues, who kept me preoccupied and calmed me down during the peak of my mental exhaustion. I am currently spent, so I really need to take a break.
As for my graduate research, I will use this time to troubleshoot the issues regarding the parallelization of the computational domain.
For my stint as a writer, I’ll use this opportunity to find time to finish the 4th chapter of the Indolence of the Filipinos in the 21st century as well as rewrite my essay The Trade of Rights.
And of course, I’ll be keeping journals to document my whole journey. I will be traveling using my Japanese bike. And of course, you won’t find me in UP during that time. I was already planning this since June last year, as I was initially pushed to the corner due to the grade requirements of my MS degree, though I overcame the hurdle that presented before me during that time. Well, that girl was the one who saved me from the despair of that time.
I apologize for being too complacent of a writer. Admittedly, my backlog for this page is skyrocketing as the write-ups that I started writing even from 3 years ago begin to pile up. With only my pen and paper as my company for this trip, I hope that I can overcome my writer’s block. I really hope that I can find my answers during this trip, and also I wish that by the time that I go back, I will finally learn the answers on why I was put in this situation in the first place.
I was planning to compose a write-up during my trip in Cebu, titled “Ame (雨) – The Chronicles of an Anxious Man in Cebu”. Here are some tidbits as my closing remarks to this piece:
As I look upon the sea at Moalboal the following day, the seemingly endless pool of azure water reminds me of Jose Rizal’s line in the 1998 Marilou Diaz-Abaya movie describing the vast sea as a “seemingly endless pool of ink, receding back and forth, towards the writer who has lost his will to write.”
Even so, in an act of resignation, I took a plunge into that pool of azure of ink. And there I saw, the beautiful coral reefs of Pescador and also the endless realm of possibilities and countless worlds lying within that ink that wooing me by the shores before.
In that dive, the waves refract light forming interferring patterns of skewed circles over the forest of corals which houses countless schools of fish in assorted color and size. And despite the refracting properties of water, in some sense of metaphysical conondrum, there are streaks of light illuminating the edge of the reef. Those streaks of light lead me to the darkness of the bottom. Indeed, when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks back to you.
With nothingness within me, the nothingness of the abyss, ever so dark just like the future before me, draws me closer. I dive and I dive deeper. The water pressure begins crushing my body, just like how my heart is being crushed by now. The nothingness of the bottom is so cold and crushing. But maybe there’s still much life within me, or it is just bouyancy, and I am eventually pulled back to the surface naturally.
To further enhance the majesty within those azure waters, the dolphins appear, jumping out and diving in alternately into the waters, maybe in joy of a companion or maybe in delight of being noticed, in reflection to people in being loved, noticed, and appreciated with their craft and their person.