Somebody’s monologue to the impossible girl
By J.C. Agar
(Originally posted in Centroid – The Official Newsletter of UP Institute of Civil Engineering; https://thecentroid.wordpress.com/2017/02/04/i-wish-upon-the-star/)
After some long time, I got to see you again. A coincidence, maybe. I never at all expected to see you again, as if that expectation had already fallen to the deep chasm of obscurity. My hands were both behind my head as if I was stopping my neck from snapping because of this mind-blowing turn of events which would turn the heads of everyone else by 180 degrees. Or maybe, I unconsciously gestured surrender against the will of fate.
There was no way that the woman I saw was you, even after doing a double take. Well, maybe a double take was not enough. Maybe, even if I look, even if I strain my eyes countless times, and even if I wipe my eyes to remove all specks of doubt, I would still be torn by the overwhelming doubt which divides dreams and reality.
I focused my already-astigmatic eyes a little harder to confirm that indeed, the girl was you. My pupils dilated…finally after some long time. My seemingly dead eyes were brought back to life, as my heart decided to race ahead of the second hand of the clock after pacing itself with the first hand for a long time.
When did these vivid emotions start? These emotions have led me to various kinds of heartbreaks. These emotions have led me to self-depreciation as I couldn’t return every gesture I was given in the past. These emotions have led me into betrayed expectations. These emotions have led me into believing that not everything we ask for would be given, leading to the shutdown of my entire system as I lost hope.
One thing is for certain: something deep inside was freed as if it thawed out from the cold. Winter ended and spring came into blossom. Butterflies were back again in my stomach and on the gardens of flowers that have come to bloom.
But still, I have to feign ignorance because of the natural fear– of you not returning recognition – holding me back. And as our reunion happened in the faculty room, us exchanging pleasantries would be disrespectful, since I was in the middle of conference arrangements with my professor.
I had no proper excuse to confirm if I indeed saw you that day, until another fateful coincidence sprang up the next day. It was your birthday, and extending the greeting was enough of an icebreaker towards another lengthy conversation.
I never thought that I would get another chance to talk to you again. Our last chat was the day you treated me with some tuna pie. It was the first and only time that I ate one, and maybe, I won’t eat another one unless it comes from you. I remember it was the day after you got tanned, and you didn’t want people to see you on tan, yet you came just to see me that day.
The reconnection between us brought some good memories back from the past– back when you frequently consulted me about our lessons. I remembered that, just to have an excuse to talk to you, I studied harder than I needed to. You and I being together again brought back some flashes of my childish requests to you back in the past,like taking selfies, walking, and other things that required being together, all of which you didn’t mind fulfilling, . And the fact that we were able to talk again because of that fateful excuse made me remember the excuses and reasons that I scrambled upon just to make sure I got to talk to you.
It was with you, that being “taken for granted” – a state which hopeless romantics despise the most – was brought into another perspective, making it… not such a bad thing. It was with you, that confessions have not soured relationships, as long as the distance, the ends, and the circumstances were in place, to keep unnecessary expectations at bay. It was with you, that I was left to keep chasing, because I knew that it was not for the intent of chasing you, but for the motivation and inspiration to keep me forward.
Because of you, the design problems were having their difficulties fade before your beauty which was designed for perfection and to confuse the people about the standard and the pinnacle of beauty. The difficult problems involving analysis pales in comparison to the difficulty of your intricacies shrouded by your mysticisms which were deemed impossible to analyze.
You encouraged me to be better. Now that I was being encouraged again by you, I would for sure overcome the inertia – the forces, burdens, thoughts, and other things that were pulling me back – that I was having. Keep encouraging me and I might surge to conquer my tomorrow. In the past, the achievements and the milestones that I earned felt empty because I had nobody to show them to, or share them with. If you give me another reason, then encourage me again. If I would work more diligently, would you watch me?
People say that when you have the person of your dreams by your side, you have conquered the world. Will it work if I conquer the world just to have you by my side?
Nostalgia showers upon us. Just like the old times, you kept dragging me around to accompany you to various places. Just like old times, you were asking for assistance on your academic endeavors. Don’t worry. This time, I have E-head’s Ligaya’s vibe of “gagawin ko ang lahat kahit ang thesis mo”. This time, I will be glad to help again. Just like old times, you kept begging me to keep our conversations going. Even though I was aware of the huge distance between us figuratively despite the literal proximity, I might open myself to you.
I was already catching up on your subtle hints of being lonely. Instead of talking to Siri, I would be glad to be the one providing you with random conversations. Instead of eating your loneliness away on sleep deprivation and momentary intoxications, I would help you cope. As a lonely guy myself, I would understand. Unlike my case, I would guess the cause of your loneliness is the distance the other people put up and contented themselves with.
It might be an insult to you that I act as if I know everything. I have no excuse. I feel that you are a distant star, already fed up with the distance and the loneliness and therefore graced the Earth with your presence. Even so, even though that distance has been closed empirically, the figurative distance remained. That connection and affinity gave me that thought.
But if it’s possible to get closer to you… if it’s possible for us to have a connection where we know that we are free from any romantic expectations, where we can appreciate each other as individuals, not as potential lovers, and where we won’t have to worry when our moment will have to end…
I know that it’s out of the question, and I would never bring it out to you, for you might misunderstand it. I know that you are out of my league, and therefore you are out of my reach. Even so, I want to get closer to you. But that alone is already an expectation. These desires are becoming nonsensical again, like how human emotions get most of the time.
Bitten by the sad realities of life, I want to relive and extend the innocence of my youth again, like how it was with you in the past… where I do favors without expecting anything in return…where I was never tempted into having ill thoughts at some times that others were already considering as intimate, like resting my chin against your shoulder when helping you with you machine problems while not minding the view of your bosom below for I was focused more into seeing your smile after the task was done…and where I think, writhe, and struggle with you just for us to trade smiles in the end of every hurdle and ordeal.
It was never in my intention to make your world revolve around me, nor have I thought the other way around. We have our respective destinies to fulfill, and all I want is a peek in your world, if only to instill hope in mine.
Everytime I see you, my mind flutters as if I get to see the beauty of the world through your smile. As if it was your noble duty to bring happiness to everyone. I felt like the sole receiver of those smiles but those were not smiles to keep and claim. You would flash your smiles at me, just as how you flash them at everyone else. Your mood, like your smile, was always contagious: when you’re happy, I become happy too; and when you’re sad, I also become sad.
You are as kind to everyone else as you are kind to me, so I wouldn’t misunderstand your kindness as something else. Even so, I want to understand beyond your surface and image that everybody else has contented themselves with. I’ll keep chasing so that it will be alright for you to lower your guard, reveal your intricacies and share your stories. I want to get closer to you, not for the sake of love, but for the sake of establishing a connection and affinity, because not understanding anything, not only on convoluted lectures but also on knowing people, scares me.
Even if you won’t open up, it doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine with the mystery rather than the misery. Notice my feeling. It is a mere affection of a puppy who wants to be constantly patted in the head. It is an affection meant as a source of inspiration and not as your burden to carry. I would always give what I can give, without expecting anything in return – an act that when everybody else does it, the world would have already become a better place. It is a breath of fresh air from the romantic expectations that I was facing and abandoned later on.
No commitment or obligation. Just being close, and not as anything else.
If your proximity is too good to be true, then there is nothing to expect beyond it. I don’t have that wish within me for things to move forward between us in the first place.
Everyone is drawn to your light. I can’t keep that light all to myself.
Let me just enjoy this unconditional affection of mine that I am expressing, where I don’t force anything to you nor expect anything in return. None of these were really considered as love after all. Let us savor this sweet dream before it melts away as we find love on separate ways.
When with someone, stargazing is considered to be romantic.
When alone, stargazing becomes a search for a peace of mind.
As I search for inner peace, I extend my hand towards the starry sky. I feel like I can reach the stars if I hold out this hand of mine to them as their starlight illuminates through the spaces of my fingers.
I know that I never can. Nobody could. I am reaching yet I feel that I am falling otherwise, as if I was being pulled away to a distance greater than the separation of Heaven and Earth.
They say that it is futile to wish upon a star that is light-years away, for it would take more than a lifetime for wishes to reach those stars and for those stars to grant those wishes. Relativity dictates that I was separated by space and time to it. But that star is currently right beside me. Relativity is irrelevant this time, even though the separation of space – the insurmountable figurative distance – and time – me still a prisoner of the past – remains. I still end up wishing to it after all, to take you – the star that was beside me – to the UP Fair as my date, so I reach out my hand anyway, hoping for superstitions and miracles to work.
Because I feel that you are far way, I thought of you as a fantasy…a starry body. But fantasies readily disappear. Getting a closer look, I get to see what you really are, and I realize how beautiful a person you are and therefore, like the stars in the sky, how far away you are to me. Like the stars that get too beautiful, you’ll disappear someday. Even so, I am wishing to that star beside me. Stay.
This write-up is originally intended for the lady mentioned in this article (Dear Crush) . However, with the present state of affairs in mind, reposting this here is intended for another person.