I was a renaissance man. I was good at many things yet I was a loser in terms of romance and love. My notion of love remained childish for I, who was accustomed of being an achiever, suffered defeat for the first time on my pursuit of love to the woman I once gave my everything five years ago.
That put me in the dark… so dark that I couldn’t see a thing… So dark that I walked into anything that emits light ending with me hurting due to the thorny floors that I was stepping in. In this never-ending chasm of darkness, one cannot see where he will be going. I feel pain on every step. I felt drop dripping away from my body, but it was not from my feet. It was from my heart wailing in desperation.
How stupid I was to let go of the love that was destined forever! It was only me who didn’t know that it was already a mutual understanding. It was only me who does not know that she had already claimed me as hers. Oh God! Those regrets! How can I let these all go? I was my own harbinger of misery!
Those regrets! If I only did this and only if I didn’t do that, things would be better! I could have been the happiest guy in the world. I could have made all women jealous on her for she would be having the honour of having me!
That Draw With Me was a juxtaposition of my future fate on her: separated by an unbreakable glass. It was very quiet to the point that I found it strange. Oh! It was just like the eye of the storm simply striking again. I forget her when I try to remember her but I remember her when I try to forget her. My life has become her oxymoron: I was happily sad and I was in content of being disappointed. How can I forget her eyes that I feel will never ever let me go? Those eyes of her, that has become embedded into my mind when my hand touched hers on that rainy afternoon, gave me hope and saw me happy long ago.
Those eyes that I thought never saw me longing to hold her close became tired and left me all alone. What a life I might have known! How can I now forget that once I dared to be in love, alive and home in her side?
The tether she employed was so tight and imposing that I could not go far. In my stay in the darkness, I’ve followed many glittering lights and anonymous voices. I tried chasing the Reyna Elena from Alfonso, but I chased her too late when she found her keeper already. I tried chasing a philanthropic immigrant to the US, but I found myself already dumb again on my romances. I tried chasing a former colleague of mine but the circumstances doesn’t let me go there despite her offering the way thrice. I tried chasing the beauty queen from my hometown but she became sick of our distance. I tried to chase my childhood sweetheart, but the headache was too much to bear. I tried to chase my bowling apprentice but jealousy on both sides ruined our ties. I tried chasing the goddess of one school organization, but that organization ruined me. I even tried settling into making friends not even as lovers to an unpolished gem that was taken already but her keeper warded me away.
I was so tired that I went to a deep hibernation. What was the use of being awake if darkness was all that I can see? That day that girl left me, I wanted to fly so badly to somewhere solitary to wail my desperation wholeheartedly.
For now I departed from happiness and now I felt I lost my heart, I began to devote myself to the betterment of my country. I began to write a book which I felt will serve as my own death warrant. I was having nightmares on my looming fate. But my aspirations have become of that of a writer and a scholar. There isn’t a sense of myself as of now.
But those aspirations in the end must have some inspiration to keep on going. I need someone who would be the light of my way. Even though I was in hibernation, I tried to look for someone who would inspire me. I found someone who had a pitiful childhood that inspired me to be the champion of her aspirations; she was the one encouraging me to finish the book that I unveiled to her. Oh that book! I know already that I would be killed because of that book. But my inspiration can’t be with that girl for she’s too fond of animals and she recently had a heartbreak that she has to recover from.
I wanted to be happy, just once as a mere consolation of this solitary path that I was taking. Even though it was only a dream, I would still long to be dreaming it. There was this colleague of mine who just turned into an instructor on our Institute, but I was barred by the brotherly code for she was the former beloved of my friend and things had become awkward with her due to my actions and her fellow faculty members. I was infatuated to the friend of everyone, that bubbly girl from the Institute whom I am classmate with, in our waterways design class. But I was helpless in the situation: she gives her smile to everyone and I don’t have any means to get close to her. I lost my romantic side already. I was not the person those who admired me imagined. I do not deserve to have their admiration. Even though they were knocking at the door of my heart, I don’t know how to open that door anymore. Maybe, I was still asleep in that dark chasm. I was just a nobody who wanted to disassociate himself from everybody.
Out of the blue, someone came knocking. The knocking was so soft that I felt secure of letting her in. And little by little, she fills the voids within my heart. She was a complete stranger to me, but on her I felt the most secured. To her, I can be myself, without any scornful eyes, without any external pressures, without any other mutual connections. She was a writer too, so we had our similarities. She had just transferred to UP from TIP. I felt it was now my duty to guide her throughout.
She had that innocent look. I looked into her pictures. The imagination played with me on imagining her in real life. Those still images, I tried to animate it. My heart beats faster and the days are becoming worthy. I have fantasized her too much that I became depressed in the end for I thought someone like her doesn’t exist in real life. I even played with the idea that she might be a ghost. But even if that was true, I wouldn’t mind. I would have a lifetime companion who I can talk too.
The dreams were becoming vivid and becoming too close into being reality. And now to put all of those imaginations into test, we agreed to meet at an ACLE class.
And there she is… Just like in the photo. I realized that I was not that imaginative. She was just like in the photo. I was mesmerized. She moves and I am moved. She talks and my heart speaks. I am so lost in the daydream.
”It was nice meeting you.”
It was enough to shake me to the core. My heart was no longer hibernating for it has begun to feel the presence of spring, on its own. It begins to walk out from the dark chambers to see the first light of a new season.
This will be the woman I will be seriously and sincerely courting. If it will take me to conquer the world just to have her, I will do it. If she is not ready to love yet, I will wait for her even it means to watch her back and wait forever. But I will promise this to her. If she will give her yes, she will have the best.
I am in love again.