My hands were shaking when I played on my last pool match. It was not because I was nervous (my opponent was a mere amateur) but because I was spewing in anger for the lack of sportsmanship he displayed during the match. He was making desperate moves just to try to win. I really wanted to smack him right in his face but my self-containment prevents me to do so. It was never really patience that prevents me. I’ve been restraining myself from displaying any other kind of emotion, especially succumbing to rage. But inside, I was too temperamental. It was not when things go under my way, but it was because some people were too ignorant and selfish. Maybe it was because of my childhood trauma of seeing the expression of my grandfather when he saw how I brutally murdered that chick and seeing how the poor chick expired.
I do not quite understand how the people can be that stubborn. That fellow who I now refuse to call as my colleague, whose post on Rappler.com was brought down because of the fact of comparing the nationalist movements as an ultra-nationalist one, is still pushing through with his notion. He favoured the Philippines being on small groups rather as a whole nation. He said that nationalism endangers ethnic groups. He kept pushing that it was the system that was the problem. I just do not understand how a person can be that closed-minded. It was certain that he took the same subjects as I am, but why he did not step back to see the bigger picture. It was the people that had the problem. They made the system that he was talking about. They maintained the system that he was talking about. Everything, other than natural causes, that caused our miseries was all man-made. It was maybe because that it will be hurtful to them to admit that it was their fault.
With also regards to the historical figures, the ones we treated as heroes, I was aggrieved by the ignorance of the people. A lot of people are pretending now to know the Philippine history by merely sowing and breeding unjustifiable hate over those infamous persons in history. It was quite sad to hear that this spewing hatred has become a trend. History with the statement of facts is just the tip of the iceberg. It must be also a Question of Reasons behind their decisions without prejudice, which is 80% of history. Just like the people they tend to bully over the internet, the heroes we adhere were also human beings. They must try first to understand that person’s situation before laying out their judgment. I wanted to urge them to read literatures on history first and not treat the movie as the theory of everything. The movie Heneral Luna served as an eye-opener, nothing more, and nothing less. It did not blame Aguinaldo or the other people in history. It showed that the problem lies within us, within our culture. It gave the picture of Timbermann’s notion that some aspects of our culture are detrimental to the course of Philippine politics. It also gave the picture of Migdal’s notion that the government was powerless if the society was too tough to handle. It also gave the picture of the communist notion by showing us how American Imperialism made its way to our society. It also gave the picture on Kawanaka’s approach, which is exemplified by the late DILG Secretary Jesse Robredo, of the efficiency of the government if all officials are united under one banner, which the 1st Philippine Republic failed to do so. I don’t see anything for Pilapil’s approach on institutional defects for the state was at war during those days and institutions have to be suspended. It all still boiled down into laying the blame only to ourselves. We are the ones who were controlling our destiny all the time. It is with this that I began to write another essay explaining the importance of knowing the history fully, and now I was on my way into writing another 40-page essay, narrating the history of the Philippines.
It was another essay that I have yet to finish. My work has been piling up. So I tried to prioritize Indolence of the Filipinos in the 21st century first, but leaving the draft, which was already at Chapter 3 out of 5, for 2 months made it difficult to provide the continuity of that essay. Well, I guess I have to read the draft again first. I don’t know if I would want to submit this essay, along with the previous essay that I started to write just days ago (about the history), to publication houses in hopes of them becoming pocket books.
But still I cannot bring myself to do so. My mind wanted to, but my body can’t keep up. It has kept in store lots of ideas and ideals. I have been itching to write everything, for it was only through writing that I was able to express myself. My self-restraint has reduced me into a dull and boring person with no means of establishing connections at all. I don’t trust any of my colleagues in the Institute of Civil Engineering anymore, except to those unaffiliated colleagues of mine whom I was able to see their innocent sides. To those unaffiliated people, I happily presented myself as the clown to our friendship. But to others, I was very hostile. There was one time that I wanted to open myself to others. But because of the issue on Nikka, I lost that trust that I was investing to them. Speaking of her, I now got to see her ask.fm profile after being informed by their faculty adviser that she had one. She had reactivated her account. And it was because of that I was able to see the questions that pestered her wall. I took into consideration that she had already filtered some of the explicit questions. I have to concede that hers was much worse that mine. On the other hand, based on the pattern of interrogation of those askers, I was able to get wind of who those arseholes that pestered her wall really were. It was the same people who fed me those gossips in confidence and those people who made me the scapegoat of their wrongdoings.
It was quite scary to be on those student organizations. They are giving you an impression of a friendly environment and giving impression of being honest because of the partial frankness that they exhibited, but behind, they were nasty wolves in implanting destructive images of their brethrens. How I got wind of these rumours? Oh, hell that they are talking about it out loud! Even their innocent members are not spared on their backstabbing. Oh, those poor souls who were given hope of being a part of a big family, who were hoping to relieve their loneliness by merely joining within their ranks. These organizations employed their disturbing exclusivity in order to amplify the feeling of isolation. Only those with strong will had been able to resist in joining those organizations. But I have to commend this one particular organization, which were the few exemptions to this generalization. The org that our batch valedictorian, Christy Eunice Reyes, was in, UP CREST, were generally friendly batch. Unlike the other organizations who were just interested on keeping on recruiting members, the organization acted true on their objective of being an academic organization. And unlike the other organizations, they were acting as one big family who was not selfish on befriending other unaffiliated students without recruitment pressure and on lending on a helping hand.
I have to thank God that my first crush on our institute was unaffiliated till she graduated and now she is an instructor of the Institute. Well, on the other crushes that I have in this institute, I was rather unfortunate. The next one was of UP Aggregates. Back then, I was beginning to realize on how I develop my affection to someone so fast. I just shook the table, bumped into her, traded glances, and that was it: I was attracted to her. Just like you said, I am the shittiest guy you know. I made the most awkward of gestures. But I was so inspired because of her to the point that I was able to draw her in just mere 15 minutes. That drawing was the one that I gave her at the last day of our CE 15 class. For the first time of my life, I was stuttering out of nervousness, with my hands shaking wildly. I was stuttering these words: “Ma…Mau…” Yes, that girl’s name was Maureen Joy Gulapa. She was the one that Choco was teasing for me in order to hide her affections back then. It was also through Choco that i was able to forget those affections to Mau, although the awkwardness remained. It was after Choco that I fell for Nikka. It was quite a sad story for her. That led to the destructions to whatever connections that I invested with my classmates on the Institute. It was with this loneliness that my regrets on what happened between us struck me again. I had a hard time forgetting you. I always came by to the Five Star bus station on Cubao where we shared our last moments together. I always alighted the bus at the Central Ave. Station where we often went to catch up the bus going to Lawton. A big addition to it was your nickname, “Tel”, which was a syllable to everything that I know: Hotel, Motel, Telephone, Tell. Etc. I knew then that I have to wait for you to graduate in order to set things in motion. It went worse, my loneliness and depression, when I found out that Lost in a Daydream. It was a pure coincidence that we crossed path at the main library. It was another coincidence to find you as the student assistant to the computer section of the main library. I was about to rent a computer when I saw you behind the desk. I almost swore when I saw you there. I was then unfortunate that I was with my orgmates when that instance happened. Since then, they were setting the venues of our organization’s meetings at the main library. They were having fun on seeing me anxious and awkward while I was on the place. Things took turn for the worse, when you took the job of inspecting the bags of those who would leave. I was late and too rattled for the tournament I was participating because of that.
Your presence breathes to my soul. Yet, it brings my heart into the wringer. I don’t know if fate was playing with me or it is just that I was destined to be unlucky with you, that I met you at that unfortunate Thursday, September 24, 2015, at the Jollibee in Cubao. I was so engrossed into writing articles that I forgot to make breakfast on my dorm. I then decided to just buy a meal in the Jollibee that I would be passing by. I fell in line on the leftmost row. But when I saw that the first one in line was ordering many meals of their menu, I decided to shift to the rightmost lane. There was this girl that took a lot of time in placing her order in the counter. I then shifted lanes again, this time to the left of the rightmost lane, right next to that lady, which I found out was you. I tried my best to keep my poker face. But believe me when I tell you that I was stopping a waterfall of tears from falling out of my eye. I initially thought that I was seeing things, but when that lady spoke, I already recognized that voice, which was yours. I was crying like a fool when I left the establishment when I got my meal. Why do you have to show up to bring pain to my heart once again?
The first one that I told that instance was my best buddy, Erik. But we have to do our conversation in secret because your boyfriend was seated right next to me in our CE 112 class. We turned our attention to the girl seated in front of us: the everybody’s friend, Jezel Dyn Cruz, one of Mau’s closest friends. I confided to Erik that Jezel’s aura gives good vibes to the ones she was interacting with. I then told him that I have a crush on that girl, but I told him that it was still a pity, our situation. I laid down all of my prospects: my competitors would be her friends and her organization, which I became notorious of; there was still awkwardness between me and Mau who was one of her closest friends. She gives her smiles to everyone. She is indifferent on her treatment for others. Much I wanted to pursue her or even date her, I was helpless in the situation. My romanticism had been buried for a long time to the point where I couldn’t find it again. I can’t think of ways. I wanted some time with her. But damn. I was sitting in the tarmac, waiting for the ATC clearance to proceed. Yes. I like you, Jezel Dyn Cruz.
My mind was fatigued already. I have a lot of things to do. I began doing my second undergraduate thesis voluntarily. I wanted to contribute as much as I can to my institute. It only takes a simple encouragement to continue what I have been doing. I have to thank one of my faculty advisers, Dr. Jaime Y. Hernandez Jr. for encouraging me on my thesis. It awakened my soul again. It was just like when the late-principal of my Alma Mater in elementary and high school encouraged me, thus I pushed myself into excelling in academics. I wanted to impress these people as much as I can. I do not want those people to be let down. I cannot break any more promises again. I am trying my best to finish the essays that I promised to publish. And also, I am trying as much as I can to finish the book that I was writing, a promise that I made to that special someone (It is not you anymore). Oh that poor girl from UP-CSWCD. I promised to her that I would dedicate myself until the last drop of my blood for being true to our founding fathers. I do not want her to continue on looming back in her past. I wanted to present her, Karla Coderes, the brightness of the tomorrow. Much as my mind wanted to take on everything, my body couldn’t keep up. With these predicaments, my admiration for Dr. Jose Rizal increases by the minute, on how he kept himself in a solitary and disciplined life when he was writing his novels while doing other things. He never gave in to hypocrisy. He had an indomitable spirit. His spirit and fervour for the Philippines soared high beyond death. Even though he had flaws like every other human being, he deserved his posthumous status. With his inspiration, I will continue on writing, on pursuing my solitary cause. Well, it is good now that I have somebody whom I treated as a younger(non-biological) sister to talk with, her nickname was a homonym to yours. And speaking of younger sister, I once promised you that I would introduce you to my younger (biological) sister. It was one of the promises that left hanging.