I would like to open this blog entry with her parting gift which was her essay:
If The Voice Be Heard
If you’ll fall in love with her every smile,
might as well be contented with the still frames.
In real life, she won’t be always light and easy to get along with.
She’ll not be as radiant through all the difficulties.
She won’t stay put when you do something off her tastes.
But just like the photo, she can be unreal to you more often than you’ll ever know.
Her eyes will betray her, they plead to be heard.
The photo won’t speak to you the intricacies..
Neither will the real one do.
I told you to spare yourself, she won’t open up to you.
Heed my voice, I’ve seen her ways.
She gives her smile to everyone.
How come you thought it was yours to keep?
Good friend, you were fooled.
people can never get all they’ve wished for..so why her?
Drunk yet sober figuratively in my desperation. I wrote a reply:
If I Had Raised My Voice
If I raised my voice, I would have shown the intensity and purity of my feelings for her.
I might be contented within those still frames of her smile. But I will be happy for sure, if I made the smile, and that smile was mine.
Even if she won’t always be light and easy to get along in real life, I’ll just carry my love through. For love is acceptance and acceptance is acceptance.
She will not be as radiant through all the difficulties. But through those difficulties, she will shine more in the end. And I will love not only her radiance, but her as a person not only on this instant.
I will be open for suggestions if she didn’t stay put when I do something off her tastes. I’ll gladly compromise and even sacrifice.
She can be unreal more than I’ll ever know, far from the photos. I will be glad for that, for I do not pursue the surreal but I pursue those that I see, those that I touch and those that I hear. I’ll be glad to have the courage to kiss the real, than to worship the unreal.
I was told to spare myself. Spare myself from what? From that love? I’m sorry but I can’t. She will not open up to me. But still, I will gladly open myself to her. Let her be a mystery as long as my love is not a misery.
I’ve seen her ways. I have seen them myself. She gives her smile to everyone. Yet, it is still fine with me, for deep within her heart, she saves her biggest smile. I’ll work hard for that smile to be mine. It isn’t mine to keep, but something worthy to pursue and claim.
Even though I was hurt, even though I was fooled, even though I was scarred, even though I was uncertain, my love still remains. It is sustained by a hope that wasn’t there, memories…. and lack of farewell.
People can never get all they’ve wished for…. So why her?
Both speak about the choices we make in love. And yet again, I would like to share something I found on 9gag months ago, or have I? :
The first two essays were about our choices in the pursuit of love. Even though we are working hard, we cannot expect and assure returns. Not all of those who worked hard have succeeded. It is indeed a miracle that two people fall in love with each other. I envy those people very much.
This was supposed to be another Dear Tel entry. But like in the case that I found someone to commit to a long time ago, I will stop writing entries for that series for I have found someone to commit to already again. 🙂 I am now once again ready to step out and gamble my heart for the uncertainty of tomorrow. I have found myself once again alive with someone being again after n years. I will have to stand firm in this decision. Over the last five years, I’ve only been dipping my foot on the swimming pools that I found for it was a lesson from the past that I trusted the pool to be kind to me and jumped off ending up with me shivering in cold after being rejected by that pool. Now I find that courage again to jump off to another pool as a diver who needs to dive would do.
But this post will not be for her, who coincidentally had a similar name. She is the one that I’ll be pursuing even if it will take forever. I have to be patient and I have to persevere. I hope there is also a “Tamang Panahon” that I’ll be looking forward to , like in AlDub. After we went out the other day, that Sunday was torture for me. It is the same Sundays that I was doing something stupid for those were the times that contact was not established. For a whole day, they were like that, from the girl from Overheard to the beauty queen in Tarlac. Those Sundays were insipid. I don’t know if I were clingy or not but the mental torture of missing was terrific. It was like a solitary confinement. But this time, I have to restrain myself and look for something to focus on, the exams, but to no avail. Into writing? But without the inspiration, I would be nothing. I just prayed that I won’t be hearing any Overture of Death like the Gloomy Sunday or do stupid things like going to the fortune teller to ask for fortune. On the positive side, it really brings back the years that I was really in love. That terrible feeling of torture due to missing is a proof that I am really in love with that person. Whatever the future is, it will be uncertain and overcoming that uncertainty is what I think is the final ingredient that an established relationship is fulfilling. If counting the person to whom I was like that, I would shorten the list to five persons: my high school first love, my college first love, the beauty queen from Tarlac, that Pampagueña and finally this girl. I was aware of the circumstances as said by the first essay and I replied with the second essay.
But unlike the first four, this instance was different for now I am worrying for the persons who will be left behind. The timing of falling in love was complicated for it was around the time I was investing emotionally into courting the everyone’s friend of the Institute of Civil Engineering. I first met her in our CE 14 class two years ago. She was usually seated at the left corner of the classroom. I was charmed by her bubbly-ness but not to the point of developing feelings, so I tried sending a friend request on Facebook but instead extending the friend request to her Ate first. I knew some information from her at the times I was accompanying my juniors into applying to her school organization. At the time, it was one of her close friends that I was infatuated with and my main reason of being there was to known more about her friend. But I also got wind to her situation as well. I think it was one of her close friends that I learned about her being paired (damn this apple-picking tradition and tendency!) to one of her orgmates would preferred women with shorter hair. I’ve also heard an uncanny remark which I think was a negative one from her friend.
It was in the following semester that I really interacted with that girl. We had the same way home so we were able to be together for, I think, twice giving the opportunity to know each other. It was that time that her charm finally broke through my barrier and she became my crush. At that time, when she was around, it would give a positive aura. I think it was at the start of this current semester that I finally made up my mind into courting her. But my advances were halted when one of her friends posted an announcement to look up for her admirers. It was like the Putang Inang Pastillas segment of It’s Showtime. I was dissuaded into continuing. I tried look for other ways. The first one is through ask.fm. I was the one who asked anonymously about courting her outside the org’s jurisdiction. But then I remember those f*cking askers on issue on Nikka that came into my mind when asking anonymously so I changed the personality of the second question about the asker being anyone due to the anonymity on which she though that was being asked by one of her close friends. It was that friend who threw an addlib to me, when I joined them on their dinner on Jollibee, about getting a girlfriend, turning the awkwardness on because the person I was previously infatuated with was also present.
I then tried the second and last option to approach her personally. But it was like there was a barricade of her friends surrounding her. She gave her smile to everyone, I cannot therefore test the waters. And another thing: I learned my lesson already about others knowing that I was courting somebody, back when I was still a freshman courting the girl I mentioned in Overheard at UP when my dormmates literally done everything for me to lose hope (and an idiot as I am, I let go, much to my regret). I now look for a courtship that is away from the public eye. And in her case, that was very impossible. Like I said, I was like a poor plane waiting for the ATC clearance to proceed…but…to…no…avail…
By the time I was writing the October 2 post, I was already very tired for the hopelessness of the situation and so I wrote thinking that it will be like a shout to the darkness. And on that final breath of the affection, of that crush, I shouted through my pen that I liked her. It was the final breath. I decided to gave up after writing it.
In pursuing a relationship, there is one fatal blunder that one must do in me: never get me wind that you like me (as if there were any. Hahahaha) or confess to me if I am not pursuing you. Falling in love comes with seduction or charm first: when I get comfortable with that person was the time that I might fall for her. There were two instances that these happened in my life, which were last year (omitting my glory days on my 2nd year HS days). My teammate in bowling was the one who wound me up that the girl that she was courting had affection to me. I took everything for granted. I complicated things in which enabled me to get the get the girl. I tried investing emotionally, but my advances were not the same as before. It all came to a bitter end eventually. The second one came right after her. She was a student from Miriam College whom I met through Facebook.. A week after we met, she confessed her feelings to me. But I cannot reciprocate the feelings to her. I tried dissuading her by being the bad guy, demanding her virginity in exchange. It was meant to dissuade her but she agreed. And suddenly the other guy in me that all men were hiding took over. But as the relationship went on and the closer we were to sex, I have finally overcome my lust and made her realize what we were doing and we broke up (FYI: I am still a virgin by the way, reserving it for my future wife, if I will be having one. Hahahaha). I just feared that those same instances that would ruin me would happen again.
That lead to my current dilemma on being puzzled on what was happening in the CE 156 on the previous days. I never held myself so highly. I knew I was a notorious guy. How come a person who once despise me would develop such feelings directed at me? It was still emanating, the moments of me seeing her disgusted . I might be full of myself. I was stuck in indecision. So I decided to brush it off.
I will repeat: being in love with each other was a miracle indeed. We pursue love with the uncertainty of returning the favor. All it takes is courage, determination, hard work and genuine feelings. It all started with paradigm shifts, life turning events which at first were considered as stupid ideas but paid off in the end. Just like I mentioned in my Overheard post, have that moment of truth, then it is either rapture or rupture. We must not be left puzzled forever. I cannot question how people fall in love in mysterious ways for I myself fell in love in unprecedented ways. 🙂
I therefore penultimately end this post with some quotes from Secret Garden:
There are things that are thought of as fantasies merely because they’re far away. Starry bodies are like that. Just as it is with people who are too beautiful, they readily disappear – In the books that I’d read to find out what he’s really like, this was a passage that had long settled in my heart. It’s now that I realize it, how beautiful a person he is. And therefore, how far away he is from me. He’ll disappear someday, too, like people do when they’re too beautiful.” – Ra-Im
“Where on earth is a woman who’ll jump at the chance to happily and beautifully cultivate a love that’ll just turn to bubbles? Nowhere in the world is there a woman who will start a love, giving up the ending. That’s why we’ll never work. We have no answer.” – Ra-Im
“The thing about women is, the most common of women can become a queen, and the most rarefied woman can become a maid – according to how she is treated by the person she loves.” – Seul
Are you that weak? Even if the distance seems far, run after him. Even if it feels like he isn’t next to you, grab on to him.” – Seul
“It’s not because I love you, but because I only love you. If I don’t have you, then I won’t have any other choices.” – Joo Won
Being unable to eat and sleep is the basic thing. Waking up in the middle of the night will become a daily routine. Because the one you love has turned into someone else, you also can’t whine to each other for the fear of being scolded by that person. So, you cry by yourself. But what hurts the most is that person doesn’t actually miss me like the way I do. It’s like that person has forgotten about me and is simply being happy alone. All you want to do is die, but you can’t die either… because you’re scared that you won’t see that person again.” – Seul
“Alice in Wonderland Syndrome. This is a mental illness. It is like looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. It is as if you are living in a fantasy world of a fable. This is an interesting and sad syndrome. I’m sure that I have that syndrome. If it’s not it, then why the heck does my every moment with the ordinary girl feel like a fable?” – Joo Won
I have to let you go to be happy in the next life. If you’re unhappy, my heart twists and I won’t rest easy. I’ll end up as a bad-tempered guy who can’t receive love, who can’t love either, who lives unhappily. Can I be happy at least once? We’ll find out.