I have been thinking on these last few days on why I am still writing to you this way. It is maybe of the loneliness that I treated my pen as my only companion. Although I am surrounded with wonderful friends, I am still feeling lonely, especially that I lost the nearest place I frequently played billiards in.
I immersed myself into playing more to get rid of thoughts of you. It had me preoccupied on the last four years. I played last Friday and I find myself being rusty in another pool hall in Makati. It was maybe because I injured my wrist or maybe because I lost my cue stick which I was most comfortable playing with, on the fire. I was preoccupied on many things: planning to present my thesis on other government sectors, writing essays, writing term papers, composing songs, writing poems, writing term papers and studying in advance for CE 156 and 157. It pulled me away from the sport for a while.
My break in billiards was at a very terrible timing: I didn’t have a worthy opponent on the month before I temporarily ceased playing. I tend to play better when there was a better opponent or in situations where I was the underdog. My recovery will take for a while for sure. It has to start with me buying a new cue stick. It is going to COST A LOT!
It was with Athena that I last bought a personal cue stick. I remember that I bought it using the paycheck I received from my part-time job. I named the cue stick after her. What a funny thing to do! Just like to the cue stick that I bought with the money I supposed to use to buy a new bike for you. And as to the cue stick that I bought when I and Choco were together.
Speaking of Athena, it brings back good memories. It has been four years since I first met her. Being a transferee from De La Salle University on my town, Dasmariñas, she was the most distant of all my classmates in the Pan Pil 19 class. I was still in good terms with you that time, I guess. It was quite an awkward class to take, for it discusses sexuality and gender issues.
I asked for everybody’s contact details with a second motive to stalk on all of them on social media. When I stumbled upon her facebook profile, I was stunned to see a facebook profile that was similar to those low lives around my hometown that I know. But honestly speaking, she has a sexy body aside from her beautiful face. I was able to resist the urge for I was holding dear the promise that I made to you, that I will never pursue a relationship for sexual desires.
Then that day came when you finally cut off ties from me. I have come up with a decision that time, to break that promise I made to you in order to vent out my frustrations. And that was the time Athena coincidentally established contact. I was able to take her out on a date. I honestly thought ill of her in the start. But as she kept smiling at me, my heart squealed and knocked me out of my malicious thoughts.
That date was a very peculiar one. I lost our tickets to the cinema when we were taking out dinner. I finally found them on the dust bin. It was a shameful show. That time was the premiere of Johnny English Reborn and I insisted on watching that movie despite us already agreed to watch the Zombadings of Martin Escudero, the movie that she wanted to watch. At the cinema theatre, I tried resting my head against her should, but to no avail.
My intentions changed since then. Ii bought a magic kit for both of us as a symbol of remembrance of that date. Even though, we sat beside each other at the passenger seat of the jeep back to UP, I couldn’t say a thing. I was able to communicate to her through text messaging. And there, I texted to her my intention to court her. I would eventually get dumped within three weeks. I realized that move of mine was a blunder. Maybe I should kept being just friends like Kang Jun Su did to Kim Hyeon-woo in the movie Love Forecast, played by Lee Seun-gi and Moon Chae-won respectively.
The movie entails a relationship between Kang Jun-su, an elementary school teacher who is suffering from a spell of consecutive heart breaks, and Kim Hyeon-woo, a famous weather report who always fell in love with the wrong person. They were best friends for 18 years. Although they were intimate in some ways, Jun-su preferred to stay distant despite him harboring feelings to her for all those 18 years. To summarize, for 18 years he has been stuck in the friendzone and eventually he became sick of it and made an initiative, which backfired and soured their relationship. During the interim, Hyeon-woo gradually realized the true reason behind Jun-su’s sacrifices and loyalty. Jun-su, on the other hand, took the initiative to make up things to her. It eventually ended up with her develop her feelings to Jun-su, thus a happy ending.
I have to take note of three things. The first one is the resemblance of Jun-su to me and Hyeon-woo to you. Jun-su’s character is pretty much like me: doesn’t drink alcohol (he is intolerant, but I am allergic), holds dear of his principles, loyal to his friend and love ones, gives what his love one asks for, and is a loser in the pursuit of love (not on the end). You were a tough chick to handle, like Hyeon-woo. The only difference between them and us was that I was not able to muster my courage to ask for your hand once more.
That leads us to the second thing: the friendzone. Some argue about its existence. Some say that it just an excuse of those pursuers of not meeting the standards of the ones pursued. But on the other hand, the friendzone is the term used for the exploitation of the pursuers’ feeling by those pursued, on which the effort that was intended to win someone’s heart was interpreted only as an act of compassion and friendship.
But my interpretation of this concept is somehow the synthesis of those contrasting ideas. Friendzone is the term applicable to those who failed on a hasty pursuit. Every relationship has to start with friendship. It is all about development and timing. The moment that both sides feel their existence and bond indispensable in each others lives is the time that a boyfriend-girlfriend will and must develop. Ma’am April Lim’s story is ringing on my ear. She and her husband were friends for many years before developing into a lovers’ relationship.
Maybe I misinterpreted everything. I wanted to be hasty and maybe that is why I failed on most of my pursuits. It was my entire fault. I brought all the pain to myself. For the last three years, I kept blaming myself. That was why I couldn’t think straight during those 3 years. Choco wanted to take it slow and one girl wanted to hasten the progress, but I did the opposite for both of their cases.
I kept chasing the love that was doomed to fail, that was why I wasn’t able to see those countless hearts broken along the way. I have been selfish for the entire time. I did not open the door of my heart to those knocking. It was the sad truth about love. It has to be mutual. I just learned my lesson last year on why it has to be mutual. It was with Pallmony Yamat, then-graduating student from Miriam College that I met through facebook. I realized that one-sided relationship could end up on being suffocating. It was my first time since high school to make a break-up conversation. Unlike in my high school days when you can just say, “I don’t like you,” plainly, it was pretty hard on a mature environment.
To put her back to her senses, I deliberately let out the libido (although it was still restrained on some ways) that I was suppressing for ages. I was glad that it indeed put her back in her senses, but in exchange, I felt that I sold my soul to hell already. I committed an adulterous action. I have to make up for that sin for the rest of my life. I realized that I was a different person when I let libido control me. I don’t want to see that me again.
I wish that the next time someone knocks at the door of my heart: she must not be hasty as I will never be anymore. I will be dedicating myself for the rest of my life on living on my principles and fulfilling my rest of the promises that I made. I realized that I was having Dupuytten’s contracture on both hands, with my right contracting more. It is a disorder of the ring and pinky finger contracting into palm. Figuratively, I think of it as a symbol of broken hearts and promises. But still, I kept exercising those fingers to mitigate the symptoms. I will continue on doing my works, my writings and my ideas. I will reiterate my stand: before you criticize any of my works and principles: have you ever thought on why I have to stand before you to defend my stand with me knowing that it will be a road of pain.
I once had an existential crisis. During my childhood days, I was immersed in so much knowledge that I began internally questioning my religion, my spirituality. At 5 years old, I became agnostic. I cried in my bed thinking on how it will feel to die. I am asking myself for nights, “Will it be like the time expands infinitely, with me not having any thoughts or consciousness? Will it be a never ending darkness? Will I lose my love ones forever if they die or will I ever meet them elsewhere someday?” Thinking on how losing consciousness, losing the mind, losing all senses, all plunging into darkness, nothingness and oblivion, was too much for a 5-year-old me. I became anxious those days. I never told anyone of my dilemma back then. A dream of God and a miraculous encounter in real life had my crisis solved. I renewed my faith to God. In my elementary days, I focused on Catechism. I was pressured by nuns to take on theology on college. I was a religious nerd back then. Bullying and social pressure veered me away from that path.
I must stand before you and people to defend my stand knowing that it will be a solitary road of pain. I believe that I was not here merely to exist. I was not blessed by these tremendous talent, and bestowed by these great experiences, just to have those things unused and buried in the ground untouched. I was not born to be indolent.
That is the main problem of Filipinos, being indolent. The world has fed people with vanity and narcissism that brought those temporary satisfactions in the middle of the real crisis which is brought by their ignorance and indolence. That is why I was more determined to publish the essays intended for my book Eminencio Magnifico, ahead from the book itself. The essays will give glimpses on what the book will tackle about.
I was having nightmares every night since I revived my intent on continuing writing. I had dreams of being persecuted, being executed, being stoned, being shot and being publicly shamed. I have been dreaming on the counter-arguments that they will threw at me. Even though I won those arguments in my dreams, these people would eventually criticize my personality, asking on my right to criticize or judge.
I just happened to be in a perfect environment to be able to come up with an approach that agrees to most of the sectors: I was born to an upper middle-class family but raised in a lower middle-class way. I had friends on both ends of the socio-economic spectrum. I was both a Political Science and Civil Engineering undergraduate in the premier university of the Philippines. I have been into many places, thanks to my father’s vast family line, and have been in touch with both the rich and the poor. I was raised with a doctrine of valuing knowledge. I was not spoiled in my childhood, therefore my desires are only limited to food and knowledge. I have no luxurious desire except to those things that contribute to the betterment of my knowledge.
Some may point that I will only do this book as an act of vengeance for I lost the only thing I am asking all my life: a lifetime partner. I have already accepted the my fate and the consequences of my actions before I threw myself into the fire, while spells misery and solitude, with the reason of not wanting others to fall on the same flames.
The root of my misery is the thought that I lost a love that was destined to be forever. It was the only thing I wanted. I said to you that it has been three years since I was blaming myself. But it has been four years since our fallout. And you may be wondering on why it was because of you. Three years ago, I have stumbled upon two of your essays, essays which you brought down. All I believed fell apart. It was indeed a SPARK.
That was why my misery held on for a little while. I was able to forgive myself eventually, on the thought that other people will need me especially during the dilemmas we have faced on the previous days. If you were to ask me if I have already moved on from you, I would answer yes. Even though I kept seeing pictures of you, I couldn’t remember your face anymore. I can now look back on those painful moments with a smile. I know it is a different story if we have come face to face. That is why, I would be more grateful, if you wouldn’t show up. It is time to open my heart for love again. I dried my tears with love. This is maybe my last entry that will center upon you. Wishing you good luck. Thank you and goodbye.
My 3rd note is about Lee Seun-gi being a very lucky man. He had kissing scenes with Moon Chae-won and has Im Yoo-na as his girlfriend, which are both my celebrity crushes.